Tragedy, grief and resilience – not pity

I posted this video when I reached 5:39 and I’d already said “Yeah!” several times! People sometimes truly suffocate others to death with all their pity, with their stifling doom-and-gloom predictions, stopping them from moving on.

But the opposite happens too, of course.

Only you can determine how you will overcome something that happened to you and what the appropriate time for grieving is.

A psychologist, a long time ago, noticed that I seem to be pretty good at what this talk tells me is “benefit finding” (looking for the silver lining, the plus, no matter what it is). “You’re a true survivor!”, she exclaimed. It felt good to be told something like that. And it’s another thing to be grateful for, too.

One of my weaknesses may be that I get bogged down when I pay too much attention to people who tell me that I should be stressed or miserable or worried (or worse, that I am not worthy and should be ashamed or embarrassed over something). You’re supposed to talk about how bad things are. Not about what’s good and nice and wonderful, and fine and cool and okay.

You’re considered silly and childish and immature when you still see the wonderful in little things.

Benefit finding is one of the things Brits aren’t good at, at all, because what they call “whingeing” (an exclusively British word) is part of their culture. (British culture is a strange thing. I’ve learned that some of its peculiarities have resulted from the Brits or English wanting to follow the stoics, which somehow turned in people not acknowledging their own emotions but pushing them down and pretending that what happened didn’t really happen. Many Brits are not very good at relaxing and just being, but this also seems to go for many Americans these days, in a different way.)

The third trait that she mentions I find much harder (but I wrote this at the beginning of when she started explaining it). It’s not always clear in advance whether something is going to harm you or help you (such as, in her case, go to the trial). My solution for that? I ask myself if there is at least one good thing that I can get from it. This can be simply “satisfying my curiosity”.

Some people may call me naive when I give something (or someone) the benefit of the doubt, for the mere sake of finding out whether I was wrong or right about something (or someone). I sometimes attend events that I don’t think will bring me anything at all – just to see if perhaps I was wrong about that. And sometimes, I end up being wonderfully surprised by what I find. The unexpected. At other times, it brings me some form of learning.

I’ve forgotten what the first trait was that she mentioned, so that didn’t resonate strongly with me.

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