To sum it up

Screenshot I took on 3 March 2020.

What it refers to or appears to refer to is someone’s control of my digital and electronic life.

  • When I got this message, I’d been suffering a series of hiccups (delays) with incoming payments for about half a year while being unable to get through to the parties in question over the phone. This comment was a dig about that. My electricity had just been off for a few days.
    (Eventually, I even got an e-mail from a client that began with the Dutch for “We are not the person replying”.)
  • I had also noticed at some point that comments I left online only showed up on my computer. They weren’t visible elsewhere.
  • It’s happened several times that I was logged in at a bank and that my computer froze and I had to throw the power off the computer (flip the wall switch; I am in the UK) in order to reboot it after which I still turned out to be logged in at whatever bank account I had been logged in to. (Different banks.)
  • I have been stopped from accessing information in my home country to do with new legislation being developed to do with the status of Dutch citizens in the UK post-Brexit.
  • Before that, I was stopped from entering information in Dutch pension-related online systems, presumably because my hacker thought I was entering my resume.
  • Etc etc etc.

My tolerance for this destructive hostile shit has dropped to zero. It does not matter whether it’s technically sadistic stalking or community bullying.

23 September 2020:

I know that there is some form of neurodiversity involved and I am mindful of that, but it does not oblige me to give up on leading my own life.

[ … ]

Then I posted something else, TO the person who is behind it all. (No, not an angry message.)

What happened? My computer froze. There was some honking. The electronic timer that I had placed between the wall socket and the computer plug yesterday and which had begun to smell last evening turned out to have been fried – I had to remove it because my computer was no longer getting any power – and the ugly foggy start-up image has now changed to a clear mountain view with flowers. And I could no longer access the internet in most of my Chrome windows. (That could be a result of something else that I did that I am not about to divulge here. Hard to tell.) (Now working again…)

The honking is part of a smoke-and-mirrors game (an attempt to suggest things that aren’t accurate, intended to make people look or feel like idiots). It is a continuation of a theme that started a long time ago (via the nearest cell phone antenna as far as I can tell as it occurred when there was one near and did not when I had no cell phone reception, but it stopped a few years ago). (It’s also happened that I could not connect to the nearest tower but had to leave my home and walk until I was able to connect with the next-nearest tower.)

So, it looks like I am turning myself into or maybe have already become an advocate for people with certain forms of neurodiversity now. That’s perfectly fine with me. (Is it?)

Accepting the full range of neurodiversity is not the same as pretending it doesn’t exist at all. Being cognisant of it means that you have to enable or at least allow people to flourish in their own way and limiting or eliminating harm.

25 September: In the past 14 days or so, I discovered that a lot of image files had been deleted from my C drive when I needed one and couldn’t find it. There were also some windows to do with marriage recently. This morning, I found that instead of one folder called “Bizz plans”, I now have two and that is on my external drive. And they’re both empty. Argh. Also, my business e-mail still is not working and my business website is still down. These latter two actions were set in motion during the recent bank holiday weekend when “staff at my website and e-mail hoster” was chatting with me even though that company does not operate chat on weekends.

After which this page shot up to the top.

“So how can someone get your full attention then?”

If you want negative attention, dear mysterious hacking force, sure, be as destructive and disruptive and filled with hate and contempt toward people like me as possible. So very English, isn’t it? Quite in the style of Boris Johnson.

(I hope that gave you something to think about.)

Later, “he” indicated that “he” saw it the same way as I see spam, as something to be deleted.

The fact that he feels that it is fine to do to me and my life what he does to me and my life, that he feels that I am not a human being and have no rights whatsoever, that is quintessentially English. Not Welsh, not Scottish. English.

In any case, as long as this interference continues, I will continue to be useless in any kind of professional capacity. That’s what it is really about. And that points toward what is going on here, namely NPD with psychopathy including the desire to hurt someone, do damage to a person’s life. That too is a form of neurodiversity.

I never said that it is easy to deal with it all.

I plan my suicide on an almost daily – okay, weekly – basis now just to be able to tolerate the relentless abuse. It enables me to tell myself that if I really can’t do it any longer, I can always kill myself and put a stop to the abuse that way. So that I feel that I stil have options, no matter what. In practical terms – in terms of what I can do, practically speaking – I haven’t had a life for many years. I keep having to postpone the deadline after which I will kill myself if this crap has not stopped yet by then.

Unfortunately, the pandemic has made it much easier for whoever is doing this to me to abuse me without bounds. (Because so many establishments are closed or have restricted access and because people care even less now about what is happening to me.)

All of this, it is 100% legal in England because 100% accepted and acceptable. And that needs to change. Because it is part of the behaviours that make me describe the English as backward barbarians. Trump to the power of 10.

That is something the English can no longer afford.

Because they need to close those dozens of individual trade deals if they want to survive post-Brexit. They look like complete idiots as well as problem makers to most of the rest of the world and that still has not sunk in in England because English exceptionalism gets in the way. Sorry, I can’t make it prettier than it is.

So maybe I am not dealing with one or more people with NPD and psychopathy after all.


26 September 2020, 11:30 am
About a week ago, my mouse pointed started behaving like a crawling fly – crawling all over the screen – so that I could no longer do any editing of sound, text or videos. That started a few hours after I looked into a certain kind of crawling insect, lasted about two days (and the occasional few minutes in between). It just started doing that again. (I later managed to put a stop to it, it looks like.)

My mouse also always moves a lot – but in a different way – when I watch YouTube videos, no matter which browser I am using. It also did that on my previous computer (different OS, different architecture).

Different mice, too.



Feel free to share your opinion below. (Note that I do screen comments on this website.)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.