I just came home from the Lidl, seriously soaked in a heavy downpour with very strong winds. I am feeling so c-c-cold.
Did some thinking along the way.
What a day.
After I shut down the computer, I did a ton of housework, came back to my computer and, damn, does the thing have a lot of trouble starting up and shutting down these days. The new one, that is.
And it keeps asking me if I want my computer to be discoverable. No, of course not! Could that be due to a software update? Sure.
So I pick up my phone – which I had just fully reset again – and its browser is pointing to LinkedIn and apparently trying to share the post “what makes a sadistic stalker“. Could my phone have done that by itself? No. I had just reset the phone and I haven’t even logged in to Google on it. I have not added any apps.
Then “he” (whoever this was) blocked my internet access completely and he kept switching the wifi on my phone on and stuff like that.
Walking back, I found myself thinking to myself that protesting and fuming and powerlessness with regard to sadistic stalking serves no purpose. It only makes things considerably harder on me. I don’t know anyone in England, so I never – ever! – talk with anyone, about anything. (People aren’t really into conversation here anyway.)
Adopting an accepting zen approach is much better for my health.
So what does make a sadistic stalker?
Me diving into this is why and how I can help (some) people who are being stalked and how I can help people avoid becoming stalked.
These stalkers feel a strong connection to you and when you call it stalking or tell them to take a hike they usually throw enormous tantrums. That is when for example they start contacting everyone they think you know to tell them what a horrible person you are, what a loser, how many problems you have and/or how many problems you cause for others and so on and so forth.
They throw everything out of the pram and against the wall, like little children who are not getting their way, the ones you sometimes see in films.
You can see Donald Trump and sometimes also Boris Johnson do it too. “They were not nice to me and so now I am going to punish them for that.” You see it in how Trump is handling Biden’s win. “They don’t like me. They are not being nice to me. That is not possible. So the election was rigged.” This way, his inner world stays whole. “They do like me, but the election was rigged. If the election had not been rigged, I would have won. Because people really really like me.”
Some may see you like their personal empathy bear, perhaps:
So there seem to be three main ways to deal with these stalkers, from a target perspective:
- You lower the chance that you become targeted if you are a self-employed person, the owner of a larger or more formal type of business or as anyone else who has to be online (a lot), on social media, various websites and so on. I can help with that.
The silver lining, perhaps, is that if you are being targeted, it likely means that you are a happy, well-balanced person who is kind and non-judgmental. Empathic. (I am not talking about typical trolling.)
You do not have to change who you are to avoid being stalked. Please don’t. But do follow your instincts. And do not be kind to people because you feel sorry for them either. They won’t get that. They will think that you are genuinely interested in them and like them. Again, I can help with that.
- If you already have a stalker, you will likely have to take more drastic steps, depending on what you do for a living and so on. This can be quite tough. If you only write as little as “atchoo” online, some will see this as a personal message only intended for them. And it can be hard to break through something like that.
- You shrug about being stalked and accept it as part of life, taking a zen approach. A zen approach means that you don’t only like animals who are cute and cuddly or otherwise attractive. Similarly, you could accept all human beings as equally worthy, without judgement, no matter how “annoying” they may be. It translates into much lower stress for you.
This is very hard to do, though. For me, being stalked often feels immensely abusive and as if I am being murdered in slow motion. Not always. But there is such a tremendous amount of destruction in my life and almost all sources of joy and everything that I used to hold dear is gone. I am not more than someone’s punching bag and I am exhausted a lot of the time. Because they gobble you up, these stalkers. They drain you. In my case, with all my equipment being controlled by someone else and the resulting disruptions, it meant, for example, that I could no longer set my own hours and concentrate, do my job, be who I was. So you need to find a way to manage them, these stalkers. That takes money. But a huge chunk of my situation has to do with me being a migrant. This situation would never have developed if I were still in my home country. That’s on me.
Another problem with this approach is that you can’t tell who might potentially be dangerous and who won’t and even a zen attitude won’t protect you rm that. When Tracy Morgan was being stalked, a lot of people dismissed her concerns, but he tried to kill the next victim. What set him off? I have no idea. In this day and age, you often don’t even know who you are dealing with. Unless you are in a video call with someone who shows you his screen, there is no way of telling who is who in the digital realm. And the digital realm is much bigger than you think.
Another problem is that these people can interfere with your life so extensively that your life falls apart and you will have to take drastic steps to get yourself back on your feet.
So, you need to make sure that your home and habits are as secure as possible, in either of the three cases.