2nd UPDATE, at 14:33: After I posted this and was waiting for the minute break between sessions at the public library so that I could log in again, I saw a small window pop up that said something like “abstract error. computer locked” after which my computer was taken out of the general computer population at the library – which has happened many times before – and did not automatically log me out at 12:15 because of the lunch break when this branch closes and allowed me to log in again in spite of the lunch break too, when I decided to log out myself when I saw the time and realised that the library was about to close.
UPDATE: After I posted this, I discovered another post on this website of which almost all the content has disappeared and what is left looks like bizarre rambling. It is a post related to the attack on me in Woolston in 2007 and all it still seems to contain is mostly (what now looks like bizarre) rambling about Hampshire Police? The images are gone too. I was looking for one of the images. That is how I found out. I had earlier spotted more posts like this, with nothing but a few sentences without any context. It makes me look like a rambling idiot who should probably be hospitalised. Keep reading!
Over the weekend, I discovered that my folder with eBay, Depop and Etsy items now also contains a very brief video about a bird.
Also, I now have a new electricity meter but no key that works for it. That is, I haven’t heard back from the company. (And still little or no income but that is immaterial if you don’t have a key that works for your meter.) But I may now be getting all or most of my g-mail again. Have managed to change two passwords. Am unable to change one that I am trying to change right now, however, so I have to assume that mail at that address may still be getting tampered with. (Unless protonmail only allows people to change their passwords on a paid account? Will look into that. Could be a browser issue, though. 15:00: yes, the browser at the public library is the issue that stops me from changing my password. Can’t empty spam box or trash either.)
Once I get my life back, I will have to change so many passwords, which I have already done a few times in the past decade.
This morning, I started up my PC and began writing a document called Portsmouth Climate Challenge. I saved it. After I heard the HDD starting to rattle again, I flipped the power switch. When I booted up again and got into my text processing program, it recovered an empty remote document titled the usual generic “document 1” or whatever. There was no remnant of the document in my document folder.
Last week, I was unable to use copy and paste at the library and a comment that I typed instead went up into thin air, that is, I couldn’t post it. The submit button was not working or something. But that could be a browser issue. (The browsers at the public library – depending on the branch – tend to be so old that you also often can’t, say, apply for a job from the library.)
Can’t access my bank balance. “You are not eligible to view the Balance Summary Report” I spotted something odd yesterday when I checked my balance at an ATM and there is also still the issue of this woman claiming she needs work done and wanted to pay me quickly but who is unable to convert the pound amount to dollars AND does not send me the work AND she used to work at the same party (University of Twente) that after two decades suddenly couldn’t handle pounds and euros for about 6 months after which I received… this, in March 2020:
(Update:Have meanwhile accessed my (business) bank account by selecting a different browser but I saw but nothing unusual going on, and no incoming payments.)
I got this in March 2021 and it only appeared on my computer, not online:
Last evening, two lads were doing something near my home, at the end of the driveway, and one of them yelled “hello mum” when I walked to my door. (A “mum” theme has been part of my abuse.)
Last week, whoever is doing this also apparently sent a little girl after me, but she was not sure who she was supposed to address, started saying something to me and then spotted a woman who looked more like “an older woman” (?) and started talking to her. When I walked back, the same little girl was in the same spot, all alone. Whoever’s been targeting me either has often been convinced that I have DID or has in the past tried to make my brain believe that it had DID (which it does not).
When I am depressed and deflated – for example after another lock-picking event in my flat – “he” often seems to convince himself that that is because the little girl personality in me has fallen asleep and that I am carrying her around…
He often sends all sorts of characters after me – which half of Portsmouth knows about – but it’s subsided markedly in the past 1 to 2 years. I stopped paying attention to it at some point, though.
The little girl, however, got my attention as the situation was rather odd. What would a small very neatly dressed girl be doing hanging out all by herself at the start of Kingston Road? She looked very much out of place.
I also seem to have lost my startle response now? I go blank and numb for a split second. I no longer seem to startle.
Last week, I spotted an odd comment about how brave it was to change carriers right now. Huh? Oh. The old “provider” bs, I guess? Whatever.
I’ve meanwhile realised something else. Getting attacked digitally and getting attacked while sitting on a bench and reading and annotating a report is very similar, except that you have no stones hitting your head.
Other than that, the experience is exactly the same and so are the responses from the people around me, including police officers. What happens is exactly the same.
The same powerlessness, the same anonymity of those who attack you, the same utter astonishment and sudden incomprehension of wha-wha-what is happening (and a little later of why on earth anyone might do something like this) and the same experience of suddenly being jerked out of your concentration and your life collapsing into nothing but fear and powerlessness.
The responses I received from people around me in Southampton are exactly the same too. People scoff at you and ignore you. You are being attacked so there is something wrong with you.
And every time I have regained my equilibrium, it happens again. And again. And again. It never stops. It never ever stops.
So you end up being in a permanent state of hypervigilance and even if you don’t think that that is the case, your blood composition might tell a different story. And after a while, inflammation may be occurring at all sorts of sites in your body.
A few weeks ago, after I was attacked again while at my computer, I very deliberately smashed my phone to pieces. That was the phone that I had been using for my internet connection, to which my PC had been tethered.
Because I could not go on having to bottle this up time and time and time again after having been dismissed again and again and again by whatever authority I went to about this, regardless of the fact that this interference also meant that I could no longer make a living. I had to do something physical.
After that, I went outside to walk, even though by then it was the middle of the night.
So what often happens then is that they send for example youngsters on bicycles after you. Sometimes, these youngsters will literally jeer at you. They try to trigger your powerlessness and anger because they get off on it.
And half of Portsmouth seriously thinks that all of this is truly hilarious.
And they get angry with me when I get angry and tell them to cut their relentless sadistic crap. Because they experience that as me kicking their shins. Because they experience me as being less than human and as devoid of any rights, let alone the right to my own life and to own my life.
Agency. They take away your agency.
They leave you helpless like a rabbit in a cage while they jeer at you and the authorities call you vulnerable and shrug.