I want my
goddamn Udemy payment and my goddamn VAT repayment for July-September!
You did the same shit with payments from the University of Twente for six months and openly taunted me with it.
And a year earlier, at the end of 2019, you wiped out my work for Pactera. 3000 bucks’ worth that was gonna be, I reckoned.
(8 Jan: Should I add that this work for Pactera disappeared in the same manner as work I did for an EDX course disappeared, earlier, in 2016/17? Work that I did at the public library?)
And then on my birthday, you wiped out that grant proposal. Different computer.
Then you sabotaged the local wildlife work.
You’re a vile sadist.
I’ve had it with this
your sadistic shit, whoever you are.
And that goes for both the orchestrators and the performers.
vile silly but damaging lies you’ve been telling all sorts of people about me are despicable not good too either.
Doesn’t know how to tell time and what a calendar is, is afraid of men in business suits and all that
What was the latest, I wonder… Been getting some really strange responses lately about something perfectly normal; I thought people were just being a little odd, a little dramatic, about something ordinary. But it would fit the pattern, of you attempting to keep me under your thumb, unfortunately.
The Udemy payment -$3.95- has meanwhile arrived. Much later in the day than usual, forcing me to beg someone for money, which I hate, but it’s good that it’s come in.
And nobody, not one person on Portsea Island, knows anything about what’s been going on? Yeah right.
To the people behind this: Get yourself a shrink and then I’m willing to talk with you, in cooperation with that shrink, to see if we can do something constructive with all of this. The shrink can get papers and professional kudos out of it. You’re resourceful enough to be able to find yourself a shrink who truly understands your needs – and mine – and respects you and looks out for everyone’s interests (not just yours but mine and the shrink’s too).
As far as I have been able to tell, the one thing that you really want is advocacy.
Then stop fucking around with me and start focusing towards that.
I’m willing to listen – and you know that. (But I am done with getting abused, let alone getting abused anonymously and without even knowing what is going on, what your situation is, and having to try to communicate with you like this and in other odd ways. My slavery situation is OVER.)
No, it’s not too late in your lives for that.
And you need more than to be able to talk with me. You need someone who can hand you practical “management tools”, someone who can see which techniques would really help you. I don’t have the professional background for that.
But I’m determined.
The status quo is not tenable.
So let’s do this.
A long time ago, one of you wrote to me that you weren’t necessarily after being understood, that merely being accepted the way you are is the main thing for you. I don’t know who (in reality) wrote that and what it was about. But I remember it.
That’s advocacy, isn’t it?
Then let’s do that.
Life is not about being perfect or even about appearing to be perfect. Life is about accepting and embracing yourself the way you are. THAT seems to be your biggest challenge. As far as I can tell, you can’t do that without being accepted by others first, because of what’s going on in your brains, whatever exactly that is. So you want to beat people, force them, into doing that, into accepting you? That’s not how this works.
You’re a lot like wildlife. Wildlife also doesn’t consider things like people’s “boundaries” for example.
There’s often a lot of blaming people, about not setting boundaries, but that’s not always appropriate. Some people, just like wildlife, simply don’t understand boundaries, are baffled by them or are not interested in them, and in those cases, it does not matter whether others have strong boundaries or not. As the other party’s focus is solely on their own boundaries and wishes.
Think simply of a pet pigeon landing on a human’s head, oblivious to the fact that the bird’s sharp toenails may be painful to the human. It’s not that the pigeon does not respect the human’s boundaries; it simply does not see them. It wishes to be close to the human or to perch on something that’s convenient.
To some degree that has to do with signalling, a difference in “language”.
Think a cat’s hissing versus a dog’s bark or snarl or a magpie’s or pigeon’s warning call. Cats and dogs pay no attention to the warning calls of birds, but other birds do, even across species.
It’s not true that all humans communicate the same way either.
Just think of English people interpreting “with the greatest respect” as “I think you’re an idiot” (which is a narcissistic interpretation), “don’t worry about it” as “fuck off” and so on.
But it goes beyond that.
You’ve already made my entire life revolve around you anyway… and I have done enough “waiting for this to go away”.
But I want to know what you have done with the driving licence and bank cards that you took from me. That worries me.
PPS Advocacy and secrecy don’t go together.
10 January 2022:
Also, I remind you that on 17 October 2011, I wrote the following to you after you contacted me on Skype:
“Listen, can I be very frank? I think you need (some) help. Your view of reality appears to be quite distorted, certainly your view of my reality. Won’t you at least please tell me what is going on with you, what your story is? I’d like to know.”
12 January 2022:
And, no, the fact that Ms X once sent me those towels that had been drenched in bacteria from her lab – though somewhat questionable, you can see that as scientists’ humour – does not mean that she is behind everything that’s been going on. As far back as the summer of 2017, she managed to make quite clear to me, in her own way, that she wanted these bizarre troubles to be over for me.
That bag with all the bears etc, it may have contained a message, sure – and I do think that something about this adds up – but the “message” may also have been a mere attempt at manipulation. I cannot assess that from a distance, can I? And again, I find it very peculiar that not one single person on Portsea Island would know anything about this.
Also… where have those animal intelligence videos gone?
All I’ve left is lemons now. Just about everything and everyone I cared about is gone.
Let’s make lemonade, then.