Oh yeah, do I know what feels like on the receiving end.Continue reading
I just got a message that my deceased friend HVP has joined Telegram.
She was Dutch. I’d known H since the late 1980s. She was a physicist who became a policymaker who worked at the EU, among other places. Her PhD thesis was on surface melts of lead crystals. Solid state physics. (There is some overlap with earth science. Every earth scientist worth his or her salt has looked at articles published in physics journals.)
H was also a very dedicated modern dancer at a high level.
Until progressive MS put a stop to all of that. Very fast thinker. I loved working with her even though we often disagreed on certain things. We had different preferences, different views on some things.
But if you needed to work with someone to really get things done, she was it. I don’t think there’s ever been anyone else I so enjoyed working with. (She and I did a lot of the organization including publicity for one or two symposiums and that was a lot of fun. Too long ago…)
We had dance in common too. I saw a lot of modern ballet in those days, at the theaters. Modern dance. I danced flamenco for a short while and I remember she recommended someone to me after I returned from the US, but I never picked it up again. I tried to connect with a flamenco dance group here in or near Portsmouth but I never heard back from them after I contacted them (as has been the case with many other things I tried here).
Anyway, this message about a dead person joining Telegram may be intended to let me know that the text message I got from APDP the other day was faked. (In combination with that strange popup telling me that all my messages are being translated, which I got a few hours earlier, that sounds likely.)
It is of course also possible that someone else has her phone number now and that that was why Telegram alerted me. Except… her number is not on my phone. It can’t have been. (I checked. Just in case… Nope. It isn’t.)
I am not going to fret over it either, as there is nothing I can do about this kind of thing.
I also have received a phone call from someone who sounded just like HVP. After her death. A strange call. When I tried to call that person back, at the university where she claimed to be working, I found that I couldn’t. I tried more than once, too.
That event back then cued me in to when I received two calls, before, at the time when I last saw HVP, from two people who sounded just like two other people I knew (CH and SH), it likely was not a coincidence. I knew one (CH) from my student days in the 1980s and the other one is a visual artist I have worked with. The person who sounded like SH said that she had called the wrong number, was looking for her mother, and the other one, who sounded like CH, was supposed to meet with me, but said that she’d had a call from “the head office” that the appointment had been canceled.
These two images below seem fitting. However – see my previous post in a minute – as I sometimes get the impression that I am (also) dealing with someone who is autistic, it is also possible that this is HIS way of letting me know that I have a new fast-thinking friend?
Did you know that some forms of autism may be related to the mother experiencing domestic violence and fear while she is pregnant?
I edited this post the following morning.
As you can tell, I usually initially respond with anger and upset over these things when they happen. Because what someone else out there is doing is very controlling and I do not like that at all. It is also in a way insulting. I understand that for example Asperger’s can work out that way (but mostly in private, not so much in public, so perhaps in this person’s dealings with me but not in his dealings in public?).
It is possible that this person wanted me to get what I needed at the lowest cost possible, use wifi on it to do what I need to do and only use the phone as a camera after that. Its cameras are definitely superb relative to what I had! But I also felt not so happy about having only phones that are hacked and needing to use the wifi of one of my other hacked phones to do what I need to do. From the perspective of someone who’s autistic, however, it may all make perfect sense. I can see that. (After I think about it for a day or so.)
I think he’s also been trying to tell me that my friend with NPD probably does not care about me at all. I know that. I appreciate her for who she is. (And there is plenty to appreciate about her!) I will soon make some videos about that. Apart from that, I know that she needs to have someone in her life who knows her. She can get very upset when she loses someone who’s been in her life for a long time. I think that’s because it makes her feel lost in a world that must be so alien to people with NPD so often. If you think about NPD a lot and try to step into the shoes of people with NPD, you come to realize that the world must often be a really scary place for them.
What do I mean? Put yourself in the shoes of a small child who’s been told to go to the headmaster, or to the child’s father’s room, and who expects that person to be very cross with them. (I picture movie scenes.) That has to be part of the daily life experience of people who have NPD, the part that they so desperately try to hide from the world.
Or, think of an animal that is afraid of fireworks.
It has to be the scariest thing in the world for someone with NPD to know that someone else understands that they have NPD. Also, in a world with so much negativity about NPD, it has to be one of the scariest things to seek out the help of a professional (psychologist etc). My friend has done that.
I think she has learned practical techniques for communicating. I recognized that in her e-mails at some point and I sometimes see it in her e-mails these days, too.
If the rest of us knew more about NPD and learned to take it into account, we could keep people with NPD feel safer and thus we might be able to lower the amount of friction in the world.
And ultimately… think of this, too. The world causes a lot of NPD when it mistreats its children.
When this kind of stuff happens, also stuff on my computer, it is remarkably often accompanied by various kinds of sound effects from my immediate downstairs neighbour.
In this very clear video, Sam Vaknin explains the distinction between the media’s and many people’s every-day use of the word “narcissist” – often meaning no more than “I don’t like that person” and/or “I am envious of that person” – and the personality disorder and elaborates on the variations of the disorder. (A related word that seems to be often intended to convey disdain is “co-dependent”.)
Sam Vaknin is blessed by his high intelligence, which often allows him to rise above his disorder to a large degree, but when you listen to what he says, in any of his videos, it remains important to discern when his disorder is doing the talking.
It can be quite confusing. Even listening to many of these videos, depending on your own situation (whether you have people with NPD in your life or not), you may start to wonder at some point about your own mental health… maybe because it makes you aware of how vulnerable we all are as humans.
It is always important to monitor your own behaviour in the company of people with NPD, to ensure that you stay grounded and don’t get swept away or pulled under by the effect someone else’s disorder has on you. Most people should be able to do that because they have the ego functions that people with NPD lack… except, when they become aware of the fact that they should have been doing this, they’ve often already been pulled under.
(Comparison that may help: When you are being targeted by a constant barrage of tennis balls from a row of tennis ball cannons, the only thing you are still aware of is the tennis balls and all your activity may become focused on dodging the tennis balls, getting hit, getting hurt and getting angry. The rest of the world drops away. That means that you are no longer grounded. There could be a bus shelter to the left, in which you would be safely shielded from the tennis balls, or you might be able to walk over to the cannons and pull the plug, but you are no longer able to notice that when you are not grounded.)
But Vaknin’s right: there is a lot of complete bullshit out there about the disorder and all it seems to accomplish is that it freaks people out and attracts a lot of angry people. People who feel angry would probably benefit more from going for a run or playing squash – or tennis.
By the way, psychopathy (a step further) appears to be promoted by war situations, by babies being exposed to the effects of war in the womb and when growing up. Brain chemistry. The brain becoming immune to some degree, and parts of the brain not developing. This could indicate that bombing countries in retaliation for terrorist attacks could lead to more terrorist attacks in the future. Something to think about.
The western world pays a lot of attention to attacks taking place on its own soil, for instance at train stations, but considerably much less to events such as Americans accidentally bombing a children’s hospital in, say, Pakistan.
A very complicated topic. What it all seems to boil down to is that the world is in need of more compassion and more empathy (I probably often mix the two up) – and less aggression.
It helps tremendously if you can VISUALIZE brain-related conditions for which other people tend to assign blame and make remarks such as that one should be able to grow out of it, admit it and seek help for it, and what have you.
It appears that people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) simply lack part of the brain in which empathy is created (though it is not the only part of the brain that is related to empathy, apparently). If you can’t feel empathy for others, you cannot feel empathy for yourself either.
That explains the usual Catch-22 aspects of the condition.
This could also mean that/why people with NPD rely on notably empaths to “create” empathy for them. Symbiosis.
(People with NPD, by the way, lack emotional empathy, not cognitive empathy, apparently, according to a 2010 paper from the same research group.)
So, yes, the brains of people with NPD are wired differently. They did not ask for this, so stop blaming them. Look for what is good in them, and embrace that instead.
They’re like, hey, albinos. Or hey, people who go grey prematurely. Not their fault.
They’re like giraffes that people insist are, say, antelopes.
Or, like I wrote before, table lamps of which we demand that they change themselves into coffee makers.
Let go of it… All the frustration etc. It’s futile.
They are right. They are special. It’s part of the neurodiversity we have on the planet. (The brain is a miraculous thing!)
Now I am done waffling about narcissists in a rather chaotic manner. Continue reading
(Please note that there appear to be two main types with narcissistic personality disorder, grandiose or overt on the one hand and covert narcissism on the other. This post probably mainly concerns the former.)
So, I stumbled upon someone on YouTube who says that he is a sadistic narcissist, that he enjoys deliberately hurting people – which is not admirable – and in spite of that, and in spite of knowing that he feels utterly miserable inside, I can’t stop chuckling because he is an amazing master spinner.
He does it so well that it’s very entertaining and his humour is entertaining too. He says that he is a dinosaur and that he was a therapist for a dinosaur once. Then comments “committed suicide”. And you have to laugh, but, yep, he is definitely a sadistic narcissist.
I’ve run into it before. I can’t help it, ya have to laugh. With my apologies to the hurt souls eternally buried inside all narcissists out there for the instances when they are not actually trying to be funny.
(They cannot be healed or fixed. Do not ever for a second think that you can heal someone with narcissistic personality disorder. The only thing you can do – also for the narcissist – is to be your best possible you and remain true to who you are, no matter what. Lead YOUR life.)
This interviewee did not CHOOSE to be this way; his brain is wired this way and he did not create his brain. Remember that.
These days (now that I know about the disorder), I therefore usually try to choose not to be angry at people with narcissistic personality disorder (who sometimes trip over cultural differences and the fact that I am who I am, instead of who they think I am or would like me to be).
I do not apply that same leniency toward so-called flying monkeys. These are mentally well people who do have a choice and who are tricked into or paid to mess with the life of someone they know or the life of a complete stranger. They make the deliberate choice to do that, unquestioningly. (No, dear sadistic narcissists out there, unh uhn. I saw that one coming from a mile away.)
(I’d been wondering why I had been getting all these ads for “Harry’s razors” lately, and vaguely remembered that there was a previous time here in England when I was getting lots of razor ads. Then it clicked. “Harry” was the name of my brother in law and he committed suicide. He was clinically depressed. I won’t say more than that, can’t give too much away to the sadistic narcissists out there. Is this funny? No, of course not, but unlike people with narcissistic personality disorder, I can choose to respond in a healthy way and see it for what it is. It is an immature way of saying something like “this is how bad I hurt inside”, wanting to make you feel the same way, possibly so that you understand how they feel without them realizing that. It is like a kid throwing the plate against the wall because he does not want to eat the veggies, and THIS MUCH is how he hates the veggies.)
Another example. Not being allowed to do any online marketing for any of my business activities – by hijacking my internet access – and then sending me a link about “permission-based marketing”. Translation: “Are you hurting already?”
Anyway, in another video, this interviewee says that narcissists are “frequently targeted by stalkers and erotomaniacs” who are “inevitably rebuffed” by the narcissists.
(That’s called “being delusional”.) ( 5 January 2018: This represents fear, the fear of being unmasked as incomplete or flawed human beings, in the eyes of people with NPD.)
(In an earlier video, apparently now deleted, he said that narcissists are often stalkers.)
He says he was diagnosed as “gifted” at age 9 when it was actually initially thought that he might be retarded, he says, with an IQ of 180. His IQ was reassessed again at age 25 and age 35, he says, and that it is interesting that his IQ went up, whereas it normally decreases with age. He continues to say that it was 185 when he was 25 and 190 when he was 35. “Oh, sorry, the other way around.”
He says he went to university at age 9, was at medical school at age 12. (See footnote.)
His first PhD was in philosophy, he says, and he also has a PhD in physics. His Wikipedia page says that he obtained that in 1982, at a university that did not start until the year 2005, according to Wikipedia. But I don’t know who added those data to Wikipedia. And the page says that that for-profit organization published his thesis, which is not necessarily the same as having done the research there. Oh, but wait, his LinkedIn profile says that he did his PhD in philosophy there. In the 1980s. And I found another website that says that that organization was indeed founded in 2005.
See the tragedy of this condition? See why people who have it are so angry at the world? They have to try to hurt others to be able to feel better about themselves…
Some handle their condition very well, manage to adapt. Many also find a way to contribute to society. Not all of them.
Lots of people, including psychologists, paint people with this condition in a very dark light that does little more than freak “normal” people out. One person with a practical, realistic and very healthy approach is psychotherapist Les Carter, by contrast.
This interviewee who describes himself as a sadistic narcissist, with genuine NPD, says that women tell him that he sometimes gives off the vibe of a machine and sometimes the vibe of a child. He then adds that he thinks that he stopped developing at age 9. That strikes me as insightful, but perhaps he was told this. And he says that for him, everything is geared toward “impressing the living hell out of his interlocutor”.
Elsewhere, he says that empathy is a bad strategy, that it costs too much, that it requires an investment, an investment that may not give you a return. But that is coming from someone who has no idea what empathy is, other than, in his eyes, something he can exploit in others.
Narcissists often do try to be the best they can be because of course, they eventually figure that they seem to have some kind of problem, but this being the best they can be is in the context of who they are, not of who the rest of us are. They cannot change themselves, just like a table lamp cannot decide to be a coffee maker. They are often highly practical people, in my experience. (They are also rarely what or who most people seem to believe they are, in my experience. That said, successful narcissists may have someone who helps them fix the mismatch between reality and what they want reality to be?)
He says that, relative to “normal” humans, people with narcissistic personality disorder are as different as “aliens”, “a form or AI” or “long-necked giraffes”.
Well, to “normal” humans like me out there I say that when caught between a rock and a hard place remember that life is too short to let it ruin your day. It is what it is. We can accept that. People with narcissistic personality disorders can’t. They are caught in views that they cannot release because those views own them, not the other way around.
What I haven’t seen anyone mention yet is that narcissists can also team up in small groups to target people. One may start targeting the person, while pretending to be one of the others, to undermine the target’s credibility. The target may not know of the existence of the other two… so it is impossible for the target to suspect those one or two others. I don’t know if this is always a mix of one grandiose narcissist with one or more covert narcissists, but it seems likely.
For more, see also this video below. I haven’t watched it yet, but I read the description under the video and so should you.
Footnote 3 January 2019:
Research by an English documentary maker back in 2009 confirmed that he was a child prodigy, was at university by age 11, and does have a high IQ. He was taken under the wing of a rich businessman at a young age. He got into business and then landed in jail for securities fraud, at age 24.
See more here (highly insightful!): https://topdocumentaryfilms.com/i-psychopath/.
Here is another one that sounds interesting:
Donald Trump appears to be a so-called grandiose or malignant or overt narcissist, and I am starting to suspect that Theresa May is a narcissist as well.
Her behaviour caught my attention off and on over the years, but I thought she was merely being fairly typically British, certainly for a politician. Now I wonder…
She is heartless/without an apparent capacity for empathy, when she does dish out “sweetness” it is almost always faked for effect, she is calculating and obstinate, lies constantly and does not even flinch when she is caught red-handed, as if she thinks it merely shows how smart she is, she occasionally acts all personally injured, it is impossible to have a genuine conversation with her and not replying at all to clear questions is one of her favourite tactics.
The way she smiles in this video, it’s… kinda nuts, but it seems to fit with how a narcissist might respond. She appears to love how powerless and frustrated – exasperated – her blunt refusal to answer makes Jeremy Corbyn.
And this refusal to reply is not about who ate the cookies.
That makes it even stranger.
Ignore tonight’s mainstream media Tory propaganda, this is the real story from today’s PMQs they are trying to distract you from! pic.twitter.com/tNqYnyAci7
— Peter Stefanovic (@PeterStefanovi2) December 19, 2018
It is more or less how Donald Trump would respond too, right? Or am I seeing ghosts?
There has been research into how it would be perceived if a woman said the things that Donald Trump says. It turned out that the public finds it far more acceptable when it comes from a woman. I find that interesting!
Make no mistake, nobody chooses to have a narcissistic personality disorder. It is a brain-based condition and the exasperation that the condition can cause in others is not that different, perhaps, from the exasperation people can feel toward people with Alzheimer’s or dementia, another, albeit different brain-based condition.
When you search the internet on narcissistic personality disorder, you will run into lots of angry comments from people who have been hurt (“burned”) by one or more persons with the disorder. These persons are often charming and anything but boring. That is far from the only reason why persons can end up with narcissists in their lives, however, and no one is to blame for ending up in such a situation.
After a while, it becomes obvious that there is another side to persons who have the disorder. And that is when the problems start.
Because the rest of us, we want to change these persons. We want them to “behave”. We want them to learn. And that is simply not possible. Many also want justification for some of the less nice things they do (and probably aren’t able to find it).
It’s worse than accusing a person who grew up in Japan of being guilty of speaking Japanese and wanting them to speak English instantly because a person who speaks Japanese can start learning English. But a narcissist can’t do that (although some narcissists are able to benefit from therapy).
Essentially, what we do is like blaming the colour red for being red, the sea for being the sea, a cloud for being a cloud, or blaming a heap of rocks for being a heap of rocks, or bricks.
Again, I am not trying to put the blame on people, merely trying to show the futility of wanting to change a narcissist.
The heap of bricks usually gets angry and/or confused, feels hurt and starts throwing bricks.
He or she is a perfect heap of bricks but we want them to be neat, well-organized stacks of bricks. It is just not what they are.
By the way, I am not trying to suggest that a stack of bricks is better than a heap of bricks or the other way around.
One is not better than the other. Both exist. That’s the way it is.
In many cases, something went wrong for the person with narcissistic personality disorder in early childhood when his or her personality was being formed. If you see a normal personality as a well-organized stack of bricks, well, then maybe someone pulled one of the lower bricks out of the stack, resulting in a perfect heap of bricks. (That can be called trauma in psychology, or injury, which can be confusing.)
Some people who got hurt by a narcissist may get angry when they read what I wrote above, and I think I understand that. To them it may feel as if I am saying that it is okay that they got hurt. Or that I am somehow “justifying” what narcissists do and are. (They may also think that I have never lost anything in my life and aren’t familiar with the havoc narcissists can wreak.)
That is not at all what I am trying to say, or do.
You cannot change a narcissist.
That is where a lot of the problems come from, us wanting to fix them, heal them, make them whole, change them, correct them, make them more like us, make them behave better, make them see the truth, make them grow up, be more mature, less this, more that and so on.
But – generally speaking -you can only avoid the clashes – or make them less severe – if a) you have some understanding of what narcissistic personality disorder is like and b) if you are able to recognize the disorder in someone else early enough. The latter is very hard, in my experience.
I used to think that narcissists are people who spend a lot of time in front of the mirror. I based that on some Greek mythology I was taught about in high school. Clearly, I was clueless.
In the course of my life, I have come across a few persons with the disorder without having an idea of what was going on. Sometimes, it was perfectly fine. At other times, the situation was much more complicated.
I think I’ve just recognized another one in my geographical vicinity. Hopefully, this means that from now on, I’ll be able to avoid clashes with that person. In hindsight, I’ve been really stupid in my dealings with that person so far, in fact. In hindsight, why didn’t I see it? In hindsight, it is so blatantly obvious! In hindsight, it also taught me a tough lesson about myself. To others, my “helpfulness” can be an arrogant declaration of their incapability (and that can trigger a lot of anger in some people, which may not be visible on the surface but can turn into contempt and viciousness, which maybe isn’t so surprising if you think about it a bit more).
Will I be able to spot this disorder right away in the future? Doubtful! But I will probably recognize it much sooner from now on. So that I can avoid the clashes, spot the games before I get drawn into them, and for instance won’t even begin to give them helpful suggestions when they complain about this or that because that only enrages them as it suggests to them they aren’t perfect.
Reading up on the disorder is not pleasant, for instance because it almost unavoidably makes you wonder if you might have the disorder yourself. And if you’ve had someone with the disorder in your life, chances are that you have adopted some of the person’s behaviour and emotions. Fortunately, that does not make you a narcissist.
But please, stop trying to change narcissists. It’s impossible.
And don’t blame them. They did not choose to be this way. That is not a “justification”. That is saying things the way they are. A daffodil is a daffodil, a rose a rose and a tulip a tulip. It’s as simple as that. There is no justification, and no blame, for a tulip being a tulip. A tulip is just the way a tulip is.
I suspect that as long as you keep showering a narcissist with positive feedback, things go much better. If you’re a well-balanced person, showering someone else with praise to keep them happy and balanced too does not have to be the end of the world. Is this easy to say? Yes. Is this easy to do? No! But it gets progressively easier.
For me personally, some “problems” started after I read a lot of very negative posts and comments from those who have been burned by narcissists because it led to accusations from me, and some fear. It can be very unsettling to read about how “evil” some people are supposed to be when you have them in your life and have been getting along with them okay. It can make you doubt yourself. The word “evil” is probably used much too quickly in this context. That doesn’t mean that the word never applies. Narcissists can become dangerous, says a clinical psychologist in Australia (see my previous posts), if they experience great internal turmoil as a result of external triggers. Yet another reason to try and understand the disorder better.
See also this post.
When you start reading up on narcissistic personality disorder, you may find yourself wondering if you have it yourself, which can be unsettling at first. But after those first moments of concern, you will probably very quickly be able to decide that no, it isn’t the case.
You can also start to feel that it is wrong of you, that you are making a mistake or are weak or gullible if you are actually trying to find out how you can get along with a narcissist, for which it is necessary – or at least very helpful – to understand the disorder. (After all, the golden rule is “No contact”, which applies to people who are trying to break out of a close relationship.)
However, working with a narcissist can also be extremely rewarding and inspiring because of their nearly superhuman skills for getting things done — when they want it and how they want it.
From an article in Entrepreneur: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/241355
Narcissists are part of society so you will run into them.
- One could become that neighbor from hell who seemed so nice when he or she moved in if you don’t recognize the manipulative disorder hence don’t know how to deal with it.
- One can turn up as your new boss or a new colleague at the desk next to yours.
- If you’re self-employed, that strange client with inflated ideas about the importance of his work who suggests that if it becomes known you are working for him, burglary is likely and who suddenly starts calling you names for no reason at all may be one too. A little bit of extra knowledge may enable you to avoid the energy-draining conflict situations narcissists are famous for. That benefits everyone in the situation.
When you look into narcissistic personality disorder (or similar disorders), you may end up developing much greater insight into yourself. What your weaknesses are, which are usually strengths at the same time. You may discover a few highly surprising ones. That can cause you to stand much firmer.
You also have to decide for yourself what you need in life, what you want or like, what you are willing to accept (put up with) and where you absolutely put your foot down and draw the line if you want to be able to get along well with narcissists.
The “very good” refers to the videos below.
I talked about this disorder in relation to Donald Trump, before. Please, do remember that persons with narcissistic personality disorder DID NOT CHOOSE to have this disorder. In most cases, something happened in early childhood while the person’s personality was being formed. (There is a video below about that.)
It’s my interest in bioethics in combination with a zen tinge of acceptance, among other things (including two personal situations), that is causing me to look deeper into particularly these personality disorders.
Bioethicist Julian Savulescu, for instance, advocates for removing essentially all disorders and diseases from the human gene pool, even when we can do a lot to prevent certain conditions or keep them under control (think asthma and air quality). A lot of what he wants is like demolishing homes to prevent that they ever burn down. He also is highly critical with regard to various personality disorders.
If you are able to be compassionate and keep in mind that the line between compassion and stupidity is very thin, you may find that dealing with a narcissist becomes much easier. Also, not everyone with narcissistic personality disorder has the affliction to the same degree or in the same way.
It is, for instance, possible to be friends with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. You have to be very steady on your feet and recognize every instance you’re being played so that you can stop each manipulative game before it starts (such as being told that you’re wrong, that red is black and then when you agree it’s black, being told it’s red).
Recognize the toddler part in narcissists when they behave like toddlers. Respond the way you would respond to a toddler. (Calmly.)
You also have to be aware of what may be happening behind your back (lies that are being told about you) and realize that if you try to talk to third parties about the disorder or about what is going on, YOU will sound like the “crazy” and “jealous” one. Can you handle that?
I am not recommending that we all become friends with narcissists, but they are a part of human diversity so we run into them whether we like it or not. Being able to deal with them well is better for everyone.
You can often choose how you respond emotionally to all sorts of occurrences and being able to choose how you respond can make a great difference. Often, you can either choose to get upset and feel victimized or shrug, smile and calmly carry on with whatever you were doing (or walk away). Understanding more about narcissistic personality disorder can facilitate this ability to choose your own responses.
The upside? Narcissists may all have a great sense of humor and no one can ever accuse them of being boring. Sometimes, you can actually learn from them, or from having encountered them.
The downside? They may have ruined you (your life) completely before you even know what hit you. Taking the zen approach of mentally letting go of what you lost and acceptance can help you deal with it and enable you to stay “whole” (but that is hard to explain without sounding shallow or even flippant or, worse, as an encouragement for accepting abuse).
Video 1: How to understand people who irritate or upset you
Video 2: Understanding the mind of a narcissist
Video 3: The emotion at the heart of narcissism
Video 4: The childhood origins of narcissism
Video 5: 5 key strategies for dealing with narcissists
Video 6: How the narcissist destroys your physical health
Video 7: 5 destructive fantasies empaths have after the narcissist has left.
(This is a video about lingering beliefs or ideas some people have after the breakup of a relationship with a narcissist.)
Video 8: The hidden emotion that makes empaths vulnerable to narcissists
Video 9: 7 traits of Narcissistic Abuse Victim Syndrome
Also, this happens when you ignore a narcissist, apparently:
Knowing how manipulation works is helpful too.
Below is an example of a behavior that narcissistic personality disorder can also result in, apparently. (Notice that no one seems to have realized yet that hackers can also have narcissistic personality disorder.) I am not sure yet how that comes about. Perhaps from the realization that in real life, relationships are too hard for someone with such a personality disorder?
I post the following from the work of Dr Lorraine Sheridan.
Typology 4: Sadistic stalking (12.9%)
· victim is an obsessive target of the offender, and who’s life is seen as quarry and prey (incremental orientation)
· victim selection criteria is primarily rooted in the victim being:
(i) someone worthy of spoiling, i.e. someone who is perceived by the stalker at the commencement as being: – happy – ‘good’ – stable – content and
(ii) lacking in the victim’s perception any just rationale as to why she was targeted
· initial low level acquaintance
· apparently benign initially but unlike infatuation harassment the means of intervention tend to have negative orientation designed to disconcert, unnerve, and ergo take power away from the victim
– notes left in victim’s locked car in order to unsettle target (cf. billet-doux of infatuated harassment)
– subtle evidence being left of having been in contact with the victim’s personal items e.g. rifled underwear drawer, re-ordering/removal of private papers, cigarette ends left in ash trays, toilet having been used etc.
– ‘helping’ mend victims car that stalker had previously disabled · thereafter progressive escalation of control over all aspects (i.e. social, historical, professional, financial, physical) of the victim’s life
· offender gratification is rooted in the desire to extract evidence of the victim’s powerlessness with inverse implications for his power => sadism
· additional implication => self-perpetuating in desire to hone down relentlessly on individual victim(s)
· emotional coldness, deliberateness and psychopathy (cf. the heated nature of ex-partner harassment)
· tended to have a history of stalking behaviour and the controlling of others · stalker tended to broaden out targets to family and friends in a bid to isolate the victim and further enhance his control
· communications tended to be a blend of loving and threatening (not hate) designed to de-stabilise and confuse the victim
· threats were either overt (“We’re going to die together”) or subtle (delivery of dead roses)
· stalker could be highly dangerous
– in particular with psychological violence geared to the controlling of the victim with fear, loss of privacy and the curtailment of her social world
· physical violence was also entirely possible
– especially by means which undermine the victim’s confidence in matters normally taken for granted e.g. disabling brake cables, disarming safety equipment, cutting power off
· sexual content of communications was aimed primarily to intimidate through the victim’s humiliation, disgust and general undermining of self-esteem
· the older the offender, the more likely he would have enacted sadistic stalking before and would not be likely to offend after 40 years of age if not engaged in such stalking before
· victim was likely to be re-visited after a seeming hiatus
Case management implications
· should be taken very seriously
· acknowledge from outset that the stalker activity will be very difficult to eradicate
· acknowledge that there is no point whatsoever in appealing to the offender – indeed will exacerbate the problem
· never believe any assurances, alternative versions of events etc. which are given by the offender
· however, record them for use in legal action later
· the victim should be given as much understanding and support as can be made available
· the victim should not be given false or unrealistic assurance or guarantees that s/he will be protected
· the victim should carefully consider relocation. Geographical emphasis being less on distance per se, and more on where the offender is least able to find the victim
· the police should have in mind that the sadistic stalker will be likely to:
(i) carefully construct and calculate their activity to simultaneously minimise the risk of intervention by authorities while retaining maximum impact on victim,
(ii) be almost impervious to intervention since the overcoming of obstacles provides
(iii) new and potent means of demonstrating the victim’s powerlessness (ergo self-perpetuating) and,
(iiii) if jailed will continue both personally and vicariously with the use of a network.
Several people have said that he has a narcissistic personality disorder. Donald Trump, that is. Some think it’s the “malignant” variety.
I have had (serious) reasons to look into this condition in recent years and think about it. (Nothing to do with Trump. I also took a few simple online tests to see if I might have a trace of that disorder myself, just in case. No. That was not surprising, but hey, I could have been wrong.)
No, I don’t consider myself an expert on the topic and no, I have never met Trump, and no, I can’t say for certain what is the matter with him, of course, but narcissistic personality disorder does seem to tick a few boxes.
I used to have at least one of his (apparently heavily ghost-written) books. When I later started following him on Facebook, I was astonished to see what kept him occupied and I grew bored with his incessant comments about Rosie O’Donnell and the like. I was stunned when a few years after that, he won the US elections.
Not all narcissists are bad people. Some even work very hard at being the best – most decent – people they can be. Some are actually quite nice people, underneath the disorder, and once you start understanding the disorder, it becomes easier to avoid “triggering” them (depending on the severity of the disorder) and to stop being angry with them (getting triggered by them).
You certainly can’t blame them for having this disorder. It is not the result of a choice they made, but caused by genetics or by extreme neglect or excessive spoiling in early childhood. Not all variants of the disorder are as severe as Trump’s may be.
Narcissists have an internal disconnect. This internal disconnect seems to work somewhat as follows.
There is one side that comes across as extreme confidence (or arrogance). There is an inflated self-image filled with superlatives. This is what can make them so successful, certainly if they also happen to be very talented in one or more areas. This is the Trump “train” that overrides everybody else’s concerns.
The other side of them is extremely insecure and needs to be reassured all the time. (This side often remains very well hidden, by the way, to the casual observer.)
I suspect that these two sides reinforce each other, somehow, or support each other. The disconnect is not complete, but the disconnect does mean that narcissists have a limited understanding of themselves.
Some also seem to display an extreme focus on the here and now at times. I think we see that with Trump when he says things that contradict what he said the day or week before. The things he says often make little sense to the rest of us, but they make sense to him in that particular moment.
I also think that when Donald Trump said he saw huge masses during his inauguration, he wasn’t actually lying to us. He is not blind, so his brain and his insecure side undoubtedly noticed how few people there were. He cannot not have noticed that. It’s physically impossible (unless someone fed him tons of fake news, with images from a different inauguration – and that idea is way too far-fetched to be true).
As that did not gel with the other side of him, his inflated self-image, the only solution for him was to tell himself that the crowds were immense.
I think we’ve also seen the insecure side of him, namely when he we saw him look over, with suspicion, to check if his wife was really voting for him.
You see it in the above image as well. He has the need to lecture us, explain things to us and to show us how intelligent and well-informed he is, but out comes this childlike gibberish. I checked it. He really said that, yes. If you are isolated and rarely speak with people, yes, then it may be hard to create beautiful sentences when you speak, but Trump is not a recluse in the middle of the desert and the language he used also conveys a lack of understanding of what uranium is. That was bound to make him feel uncomfortable. It somehow sounds as if he was actually talking to himself…
Our tendency is to expect this man to behave and function like the rest of us. We want to tell him how stupid he is that he cannot see the things that are right in front of him, we cannot believe that he seems to be telling us lie after lie after lie. They are such blatant lies, however, that they clearly have nothing to do with intellect or normal logical reasoning.
Again, these are the lies he tells himself, often lies in which he has to believe to preserve his own self-image, and they are also extremely spur-of-the-moment, childlike actions and utterances to do with that narrow focus.
He surrounds himself with people who support that hero image of himself and as soon as a person ticks him off, that person is likely pushed “out” soon (but it depends; there is the need to see a positive image of himself reflected around him but there is also a need to cling to people). His Twitter feed follows only a few accounts that support his self-image.
As long as narcissists get tons and tons of positive feedback, they can function well. It’s criticism that they have a problem with.
It’s incredibly sad that the American electoral system is so flawed that Donald Trump was able to get into the White House. Unfortunately, remedying this severe flaw would require each individual state to carry out an amendment to be able to implement the required changes, so I understand. I haven’t heard any news that indicates that there are plans in that direction.
Without going into more specifics – speculation – about narcissistic personality disorder, I do think that the fact that he seems to have this disorder means that he can be made to step down.
He does not enjoy being president. Different rules apply now that he’s in the Oval Office relative to when he was merely in business and on TV. He thought he would be an absolute ruler and found out the hard way that now there are courts and judges and many others to whom he can’t instantly say “you’re fired!” when they don’t do what he wants.
He is also getting a lot of negative feedback that his boisterous side will deny categorically, but that his brain cannot help noticing and feeds into his insecure side.
I think that if we flood him massively with the message to step down – although I am not sure if that should be one consistent message or just massive negative feedback – he will become so uncomfortable that he will have to do something “magnanimous” and “heroic” to preserve his self-image.
(Alternatively, he may then drive himself “into the ground” as a result of it really angering him. Keep in mind that he generally believes that other people are exactly like him. That’s the mirroring aspect, and you can imagine how confusing that must be for someone like that, with these two sides. He also may have a tendency to respond with the same attitude as he encounters. I don’t know if that is a deliberate strategy or an automatic trait of the affliction.
What he is looking for, as surprising as it may sound, is unconditional love – and everything that clashes with that stresses him out, but will also often make him lash out. It is not necessarily about getting that unconditional love, however.)
He is likely aware that he has the condition, by the way. If he has it.
As an excuse to resign, he may come up with severe illness for his wife or one of his children. Some factory deal that supposedly will bring millions of jobs to a city or state won’t do it because he is already claiming that kind of thing and it would not offer him a “safe retreat”.
I really think we need to flood him massively and incessantly with negative feedback he cannot miss, that his senses cannot miss. Banners all over cities, newspapers plastered with big headlines, chants wherever he goes. No letters, because his aides will open those.
Step down from the US presidency, Donald Trump.
The threat of impeachment is helping. He won’t – can’t – let it get to that point. The idea that a committee may be formed to assess his mental health on a monthly basis surely has not escaped him either. The fact that right now, he chooses to go on a CAMPAIGN RALLY – WTF? – and won’t attend the Kennedy Center Honors event seems to indicate that he feels threatened and is only focusing on preserving his self-image.
He wants to be applauded, have masses of people cheer around him, and if he can cause some trouble in the process, it will make him feel better, because he will likely regard that as proper “punishment” for those who don’t support him. This may also be the reason why he does childish things such as interfere with the plastic bottle ban in National Parks.
When he was not in office yet, he spoke in support of Joe Arpaio and that was one of those many instances in which he made clear that the main thing that counts for Donald Trump is whether someone supports him or not, believes in him or not. And all of that is crumbling hard all around him.
(Thing is… if he does not step down, then someone somewhere will be unable to keep his hands in his pockets and do what that Missouri senator said she hoped would happen, which I won’t repeat here. And then we might have a sudden eruption of pockets of trouble that could be unmanageable and unpredictable. I’d like to see that prevented along with other harms that may occur if he stays in the White House much longer.)
Another positive effect would be that those who feel bolstered by his presidency (such as perhaps Theresa May, Marine LePen, Geert Wilders and Nigel Farage) will also lose some ground.
For the record: This post is not about how to deal with narcissists. This post is about how to deal with Donald Trump, a man who is doing a heck of a lot of damage from the Oval Office and who is in a position to do a heck of a lot more damage.
Of course, it is quite possible that all of the above is complete hogwash. Does anyone have any better solutions?
Very sorry to see my friend Steve Bannon go. His political brain will be hard to replace.
— Nigel Farage (@Nigel_Farage) August 18, 2017
Theresa May says ‘it can’t be right for Big Ben to be silent for four years’ pic.twitter.com/uczPtz4t42
— The Telegraph (@Telegraph) August 16, 2017
Twitter witholding my Muhammad clip now in Germany and France. pic.twitter.com/gvgTBeFA3R
— Geert Wilders (@geertwilderspvv) August 18, 2017
— Trevor Warner (@trevorw1953) August 19, 2017
#Ukip Leader Candidate:
“If you’re British born, but of Indian heritage, you’re ‘unnecessary’ to this country.” https://t.co/hixNaS29Ls
— Far Right Watch (@Far_Right_Watch) August 19, 2017
— David Rutz (@DavidRutz) August 18, 2017
The above clip may support the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
As more and more people are saying that Trump should resign, such as Al Gore, maybe it will happen, but as I explained, I think he will need a good enough excuse that allows him to do that.
I felt that there was very little I could do from where I am sitting, but I can e-mail and message people and let them know that many many people around the world support them in their justifiable resistance against Donald Trump.
About a century ago, we had a somewhat similar guy here in Europe. Now, thanks to the internet, none of us have the excuse that we aren’t aware what is happening. This means that we all have a personal responsibility to do what we can, even if it feels like it’s only very little.
Al Gore calls on Donald Trump to ‘resign’ https://t.co/VvPaPdCivA
— The Independent (@Independent) August 18, 2017