You don’t want to know what happened next

I just got a message that my deceased friend HVP has joined Telegram.

She was Dutch. I’d known H since the late 1980s. She was a physicist who became a policymaker who worked at the EU, among other places. Her PhD thesis was on surface melts of lead crystals. Solid state physics. (There is some overlap with earth science. Every earth scientist worth his or her salt has looked at articles published in physics journals.)

H was also a very dedicated modern dancer at a high level.

A photo I took a long time ago, in Utrecht. HVP is on this side, her back turned towards us, talking with Ietje Paalman-de Miranda, who also passed away recently.

Until progressive MS put a stop to all of that. Very fast thinker. I loved working with her even though we often disagreed on certain things. We had different preferences, different views on some things.

But if you needed to work with someone to really get things done, she was it. I don’t think there’s ever been anyone else I so enjoyed working with. (She and I did a lot of the organization including publicity for one or two symposiums and that was a lot of fun. Too long ago…)

We had dance in common too. I saw a lot of modern ballet in those days, at the theaters. Modern dance. I danced flamenco for a short while and I remember she recommended someone to me after I returned from the US, but I never picked it up again. I tried to connect with a flamenco dance group here in or near Portsmouth but I never heard back from them after I contacted them (as has been the case with many other things I tried here).

Anyway, this message about a dead person joining Telegram may be intended to let me know that the text message I got from APDP the other day was faked. (In combination with that strange popup telling me that all my messages are being translated, which I got a few hours earlier, that sounds likely.)

It is of course also possible that someone else has her phone number now and that that was why Telegram alerted me. Except… her number is not on my phone. It can’t have been. (I checked. Just in case… Nope. It isn’t.)

I am not going to fret over it either, as there is nothing I can do about this kind of thing.

I also have received a phone call from someone who sounded just like HVP. After her death. A strange call. When I tried to call that person back, at the university where she claimed to be working, I found that I couldn’t. I tried more than once, too.

That event back then cued me in to when I received two calls, before, at the time when I last saw HVP, from two people who sounded just like two other people I knew (CH and SH), it likely was not a coincidence. I knew one (CH) from my student days in the 1980s and the other one is a visual artist I have worked with. The person who sounded like SH said that she had called the wrong number, was looking for her mother, and the other one, who sounded like CH, was supposed to meet with me, but said that she’d had a call from “the head office” that the appointment had been canceled.

These two images below seem fitting. However – see my previous post in a minute – as I sometimes get the impression that I am (also) dealing with someone who is autistic, it is also possible that this is HIS way of letting me know that I have a new fast-thinking friend?

Did you know that some forms of autism may be related to the mother experiencing domestic violence and fear while she is pregnant?

I edited this post the following morning.

As you can tell, I usually initially respond with anger and upset over these things when they happen. Because what someone else out there is doing is very controlling and I do not like that at all. It is also in a way insulting. I understand that for example Asperger’s can work out that way (but mostly in private, not so much in public, so perhaps in this person’s dealings with me but not in his dealings in public?).

It is possible that this person wanted me to get what I needed at the lowest cost possible, use wifi on it to do what I need to do and only use the phone as a camera after that. Its cameras are definitely superb relative to what I had! But I also felt not so happy about having only phones that are hacked and needing to use the wifi of one of my other hacked phones to do what I need to do. From the perspective of someone who’s autistic, however, it may all make perfect sense. I can see that. (After I think about it for a day or so.)

I think he’s also been trying to tell me that my friend with NPD probably does not care about me at all. I know that. I appreciate her for who she is. (And there is plenty to appreciate about her!) I will soon make some videos about that. Apart from that, I know that she needs to have someone in her life who knows her. She can get very upset when she loses someone who’s been in her life for a long time. I think that’s because it makes her feel lost in a world that must be so alien to people with NPD so often. If you think about NPD a lot and try to step into the shoes of people with NPD, you come to realize that the world must often be a really scary place for them.

What do I mean? Put yourself in the shoes of a small child who’s been told to go to the headmaster, or to the child’s father’s room, and who expects that person to be very cross with them. (I picture movie scenes.) That has to be part of the daily life experience of people who have NPD, the part that they so desperately try to hide from the world. 

Or, think of an animal that is afraid of fireworks.

It has to be the scariest thing in the world for someone with NPD to know that someone else understands that they have NPD. Also, in a world with so much negativity about NPD, it has to be one of the scariest things to seek out the help of a professional (psychologist etc). My friend has done that.

I think she has learned practical techniques for communicating. I recognized that in her e-mails at some point and I sometimes see it in her e-mails these days, too.

If the rest of us knew more about NPD and learned to take it into account, we could keep people with NPD feel safer and thus we might be able to lower the amount of friction in the world.

And ultimately… think of this, too. The world causes a lot of NPD when it mistreats its children. 

 

 

When this kind of stuff happens, also stuff on my computer, it is remarkably often accompanied by various kinds of sound effects from my immediate downstairs neighbour.

WOW (neurodiversity including autism)

The more I read about variations in neurological makeup, the more confusing it becomes at times. Turns out that I really had no idea what autism is.

(Until relatively recently, I’d vaguely thought that autistic people are shy and quiet, withdrawn.)

I’d never heard of PDA. I knew next to nothing about Asperger’s.

But reading up a bit on Asperger’s made me wonder what distinguishes it from borderline personality disorder (BPD). (I have some ideas about that but almost no experience. I’ll come back to that.)

Turns out I am not the only one!

http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article/related?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0184447

Wow. If that is the case… That raises lots of questions. I’d already heard – and I understand why – that people with Asperger’s are sometimes mistaken for people with a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) with or without psychopathy or sociopathy. Wow.

And I can imagine that any condition with a Jekyll & Hyde aspect – which apparently Asperger’s can have – can make people with such conditions wonder if they are bipolar. Bipolar disorder is probably not well understood either (certainly by people who don’t have it or don’t have anyone with it in their close surroundings?). Wow.

What I have picked up after admittedly only reading a little bit is that autistic people can display physical symptoms and they do not occur in the other conditions, to my knowledge. Things like clumsiness, “flapping of hands” and avoidance of eye contact. BPD does not have that. Neither does NPD. But I also get the impression that not all autistic people have these physical manifestations.

When you read a lot about these things, and this may particularly hold for the spouses of people with some of these conditions (or in general, people who’ve endured years of abuse/gaslighting and isolation), you can find yourself mentally checking if any of it might apply to yourself… That too can be confusing, I bet.

For a moment, it made me wonder what I thought I was doing when I wrote the book that I wrote some time ago. Luckily, I do have the answer to that question. (Phew.)

 

http://heartlessaspergers.com/aspergers-partners-speak/
https://www.theneurotypical.com/how-to-spot-aspergers.html
https://www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/pda.aspx

Peace

It helps tremendously if you can VISUALIZE brain-related conditions for which other people tend to assign blame and make remarks such as that one should be able to grow out of it, admit it and seek help for it, and what have you.

It appears that people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) simply lack part of the brain in which empathy is created (though it is not the only part of the brain that is related to empathy, apparently). If you can’t feel empathy for others, you cannot feel empathy for yourself either.

That explains the usual Catch-22 aspects of the condition.

This could also mean that/why people with NPD rely on notably empaths to “create” empathy for them. Symbiosis.

(People with NPD, by the way, lack emotional empathy, not cognitive empathy, apparently, according to a 2010 paper from the same research group.)

So, yes, the brains of people with NPD are wired differently. They did not ask for this, so stop blaming them. Look for what is good in them, and embrace that instead.

They’re like, hey, albinos. Or hey, people who go grey prematurely. Not their fault.

They’re like giraffes that people insist are, say, antelopes.

Or, like I wrote before, table lamps of which we demand that they change themselves into coffee makers.

Let go of it… All the frustration etc. It’s futile.

They are right. They are special. It’s part of the neurodiversity we have on the planet. (The brain is a miraculous thing!)

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23777939

Now I am done waffling about narcissists in a rather chaotic manner. Continue reading