As you may have noticed, I’ve been writing a bit about NPD lately. This is common for “victims” of people with NPD.
NPD is not a “character flaw” in the classical sense, but related to a brain difference that is visible in brain scans. Shame may be their main negative emotion and gratitude their main positive one, a kind of peacefulness.
Dealing with people with NPD is challenging enough, but dealing with people who have the malignant or sadistic form of the disorder is even harder.
And it can be really scary.
So why do people with malignant or sadistic NPD do things such as go into their targets’ homes or instruct one of the flying monkeys to do so and move things around or destroy something or hurt animals or even kill them?
Apparently, it represents how they feel inside. Except, they don’t allow themselves to feel much of anything and force others to experience their feelings for them.
“This much is how I hurt” is what the sadism supposedly is intended to convey when you find the remains of a dead animal, as I did a few years ago. Envy played a role too. As soon as I uploaded photos of that particular animal to my website, I got a really bad vibe. Unexplainable.
A week or so later, I found the remains of that animal.
(And it was followed up by a message.)
Like a little kid who does not want to eat the vegetables and throws the plate against the wall. “This much is how I hate the vegetables!”
Here is a question. Can you see this like the “peeing all over the place” of a cat with struvite formation? (I’ve had one who did that, initially.) If so, then you can also see that it is a symptom of a condition.
This is just one example of the stuff that’s been going on in my life.
On another stage, the same person goes around spreading myths and fables about me, initially telling everyone whatever sob story he told them (about my supposed mental illness?), and making everyone believe that he is helping me, making everyone admire him and eventually apparently progressing to turning me into some kind of villain or fool who just refuses to learn or whatever story that again will get him lots of sympathy. Jekyll & Hyde. (“Alex” is the negative side of the person I am dealing with, so I understand, who wants total control over everything by any means. “Alex” is the one who needs to rest. He probably needs to feel comforted and safe?)
And underneath it all, people with NPD hate and despise themselves. They see themselves as utterly flawed, even in milder cases of NPD, when what they perceive as serious flaws may not be “flaws” at all. There is no harsher critic of the person with NPD than the person with NPD.
The problem is that society refuses to accept that conditions like NPD exist, so people with NPD have nowhere to turn to other than their victims (who I tend to call targets, as it’s more neutral).
And their victims have nowhere to go to either, because when they talk about what is being done to them, they sound unbelievable. Surely, no sane person would ever do things like that to another human being, and go to such extreme lengths? The victim must be making it up.
So while people with NPD go around causing as much hurt and loss as possible in their targets’ lives, those people have nowhere to go. There is zero support for them and the only support available to them – paradoxically enough – comes from their tormentors.
The only people who understand what is happening are other victims, and some (but not all) of the people with NPD. Some of them prey on the former victims and make money off them, off the victims’ need to understand what happened to their lives.
The best source, in my opinion, for information on NPD is Les Carter (see his practice’s website at drlescarter.com for his professional background and watch his videos on YouTube). A good source for information about malignant/sadistic and grandiose/overt NPD is Sam Vaknin, but as he has the disorder, you have to discern when he is speaking and when the disorder is speaking; his very high IQ enables him to step outside the disorder to some degree. You should watch videos about him as well, such as the documentary “I psychopath” and perhaps also the video fragments of a seminar in which he explains how he inflicts pain in his victims, how he seeks out their pressure points and drills down into the core to do serious harm, as he puts it.
Please keep in mind that the word “narcissist” is also used to express dislike. Calling someone a narcissist is not the same as dealing with a person who has mild or full-blown NPD.
It’s a myth that victims of people with NPD are all empaths and gullible. Sometimes, they merely were in the wrong place at the wrong time, which meant that they literally crossed someone’s path and caught someone’s eye.
I suspect that people with NPD need someone – a professional – who can teach them techniques for dealing with their disorder in a healthy manner, strategies for dealing with the here and now. I have also wondered whether medications like Prozac might help because when people with NPD have emotions, they tend to be overwhelmingly negative. They might also benefit from anything that increases their oxytocin levels. But these are just wild guesses, as some of the neurotransmitter pathways in their brains may be blocked, who knows. I have no idea. I do know that psychopathy apparently can be caused by some of these pathways becoming flooded in early childhood – even in utero – and subsequently ceasing to function properly. (All psychopaths have NPD, apparently, but not all narcissists are psychopaths. Not at all.)
All the victims need to do is focus on their own survival. They need to make sure they stay alive (not get pushed into suicide, for example) and that they stay whole inside, and refuse to let anyone with NPD drive them insane (which some say is the inevitable outcome of dealing with people with NPD, but I don’t like how that plays into the rhetoric about NPD). Adopting a zen attitude can help. (Letting go of labels, or focusing less on how “bad” something is.)
Happy survivors simply go on happily living their lives without dwelling on the past.
Partners cannot fix people with NPD. I know one former partner who associated the song below with the person he used to be with (and gave me well-intended “instructions” for how to support her as well as the responsibility to do so, without telling me what was going on with her, making him the second person who “unloaded” her on me):
The irony of the fact that “fixing someone” can also mean “exacting revenge” is not lost on me.
That said, I have seen a video with Sam Vaknin, who has pretty bad full-blown NPD, with his wife Lidija and although people with NPD are supposedly not capable of love in the sense of giving back what they receive, you can definitely see a kind of glow, a gentleness or mildness, like she provides a warm-blanket feeling for him. That may well go on outside his awareness (oh the brain is such a fascinating labyrinth), but I assume that she has a strong stabilizing effect on him. She seems to know exactly what she is dealing with.
Remember, that it’s not all bad. There is a person under the disorder. The trick is to imagine what the person would be like if the disorder wasn’t there.
People with NPD – like everyone else – also have many good qualities. That they don’t really believe that – no matter what they say! – does not mean that we have to overlook what is good about them.
That can turn into a trap, but focusing on the good can also save your sanity at times.
But whatever you do, do not go to police. Contacting police both enrages and empowers “abusers” of any kind and can get you targeted and victimized by police as well. Assuming that police will help is immensely naive. (Police have none of the required knowledge and equipment to deal with anything like this. Police have no interest in dealing with it either. And remember that people with NPD tend to use lots of silly word games and operate an army of helpers who all either believe what they are told – which police will fall for – or have become so embarrassed and/or afraid of being prosecuted that they will never tell police what they were asked to do, and what they did. )
Do not address the source of the pain in the NPD patient’s past. Supposedly, this serves no purpose and risks that he or she falls apart completely, unlike for dissociative identity disorder, which seems to benefit from unearthing the traumatic past. If anyone can deal with this, it would be a highly specialized professional.
PPS 17 January 2019
I would like to get that one individual with this extreme form of NPD professional assistance – and one or more people in his immediate surroundings as well – and I’ve indicated that if he commits to that, then I am willing to offer my support. I am not aware yet of any professionals in Britain who can successfully deal with his condition and help people with this condition manage it, get things under control, but surely someone somewhere does, can and will.
That offer first resulted in him trying to find out whether I had the hots for him – see how much trouble people with NPD have with reality, and with assessing how other people respond to what they do, how other people tick? – and also trying to find out who exactly I am willing to support.
Before, he’s also been hinting that he’s done something, that I have no idea what he’s done and that he feels I possess no empathy because he feels I abandoned him at some point when he really needed me to be there one way or another or something like that. (Probably: Not having provided sex, as he’s obsessed with sex.) And that I will have a very hard time appearing not crazy because nobody will believe me. I have no idea whether it is just words again or if he’s really been up to something and if so, what. I shrug. It doesn’t matter.
I understand that he may have to pretend that he is looking for help with something else. There is a tremendous amount of shame involved in NPD; people with NPD really despise themselves and any professional who does not understand the intricacies of the disorder would not be able to deal with him well, imho.
It is also my understanding that “outing” people with NPD in public is generally accepted much better by them than when you try this in private. When done in public, it gets them a kind of attention they crave, but when done in private, they likely feel it as bitter criticism.
As indicated before, in other blog posts, for years, I tried to find out what I was dealing with (what was going on) and how to deal with it best. In vain! When someone anonymously starts ripping your life to shreds, you want to get a handle on it. You want to know what on earth is going on, why someone out there is doing this to you and what that person wants from you. You want to know how you should deal with it.
I have contacted a counsellor in Winchester to see if that person may be able to help them (assuming that the message went out and that it went out unaltered; my pc froze while I was writing it and I had to reboot it by flipping the power switch).