Hello. Welcome to my website.
The first thing you need to know about me is that I have been the target of what appears to be white English nationalist hate, for a very long time. For over 13 years. There is an extremely cunning and manipulative element to it and I used to think that I had a stalker who was possibly a malignant narcissist or had Asperger’s, perhaps. People with Asperger’s can sometimes target people and experiment with them as if they are guinea pigs in a cage. “What will the guinea pig do if I stop giving it food? Eat through the walls of its cage?” They don’t mean harm, but want to learn everything about the guinea pig. That picture, of having a stalker, did not completely add up, however… Keep reading and I’ll give you some examples later.
Here are links to highly explanatory pages about how this bizarre white hate bullshit works: Wikipedia – CNET – The Independent – BuzzFeed – The Independent – Time – Wikipedia.
It just so happens that I’ve said a few times that I am highly critical of this movement, too. They are nowhere near the benevolent force for good that some people mistake them for (more in The Guardian).
I first wanted to give you some quick examples of how these hate groups work because otherwise, you would have to work your way down first through what will surely come across as “rambling”.
You see, at the time of writing, it is the middle of May 2022 and a few things have just happened that have now completely alienated me from the folks in the toxic little island town that I am based in, things that have underlined that some of these folks are engaged in a veritable war against me.
This happened right after both my computers were disabled just before Easter 2022, in retaliation for not keeping my mouth shut about what’s been going on in my life. I have had such warnings before since I moved to Portsmouth at the start of 2009, usually indeed followed by retaliation for not keeping my mouth shut.
I have zero patience left for this abusive nonsense. It comes from mostly young white English males who use terms like “femoid”, “succubus” and “roastie” to describe women. Not all of these folks are male and not all of these folks are young, however. It includes young people who work at internet providers, but there’s also a perhaps 40-ish postie in this network as well as one or more electricians, city council and civic offices staff, what have you. They don’t all share the exact same opinions and values. They’re not a tight-knit bunch, but a disorganized mishmash of disgruntled people with too much time on their hands.
Many of them seem to feel very strongly that women should never be allowed to support themselves independently, must be subservient to men and have the duty to provide sexual services to all white English males who demand it. In other words, these are folks who hang out on message boards like 4chan and 8chan and in local pubs, living rooms and locker rooms.
Being a woman is part of my identity. It’s pretty automatic, not something I often think about. Women are not “defective males”. Woman are humans! (But the more and the longer I am told that I am a defective male, less than a male, less worthy of life, and that I must obey men and look up to them as my “superiors”, the more I start seeing men as something separate and dangerous, I’ve noticed. Otherisation begets otherisation. We all instinctively build walls around ourselves if we are being targeted, I’ve also earlier noticed at a meeting in London called “Beyond Windrush”. When you feel targeted as a group, you start seeing yourself as separate from other groups, even groups with whom you have a great deal in common. You start strengthening that part of your identity that seems to set you apart.)
There is also a very strong element of ageist hate in it all. This became clearer and clearer over the years. I don’t see age as part of my identity, so that aspect does not hit me hard personally. The ferociousness of it has been giving me pause lately, however; it ‘s really quite chilling. The Guardian has pointed it out this hate against older adults in England a few times and used the word “demonise” within this context.
As of the start of 2009, I have been based in Portsmouth, where all kinds of abuse are considered perfectly normal. Mostly as a result of this, I have developed a strong antipathy for all things (white) English as Being English seems to stand for “being a backward, narrow-minded, hate-driven, abusive and incompetent not to mention extremely controlling yokel”.
Of course, I realize that not all white English people are backward, narrow-minded, hate-driven, abusive and incompetent not to mention extremely controlling yokels, but my 17+ years in England and certainly my over 13 years in the extremely insular town of Portsmouth have taught me that I must operate on the assumption that they are. I cannot afford to do otherwise because no matter what I do, these folks will stab me in the back otherwise, one way or another, even if it is only yet another time-wasting game (either intended to ridicule me or to test how “paranoid” or “senile” or whatever I am). They’re nuts, completely nuts, dangerously so. I’m leaving it up to individuals, individually, if they feel the need to do so, to prove to me that they are not part of this white English hate nonsense. Because this information not on people’s foreheads…
(Update 17 May 2022: The functionality of both my computers has been restored now, as of yesterday, but I obviously cannot count on this functionality. It is partly merely a matter of the computers being interfered with or not… Also, other digital interference is still continuing.)
The abuse has included a great deal of sexual imagery and violence, such as references to female genital mutilation, as well as lock-picking and vandalism and other kinds of intimidation inside my home and a massive amount of relentless hacking interference.
I can’t get away from the abuse and this was one indication of the fact that I was dealing with something different than just a stalker. This “stalker” seemed to know almost literally everyone almost literally everywhere; that was the feeling that I got and that just wasn’t possible. If I leave town unexpectedly, it usually takes them a while to organize activity that targets me at the location that I have traveled to. When I plan something, so that they are aware of it, they will often even try to stop me, for example by picking the locks and taking away my club car card or bank card.
Now you have a better idea of where I am coming from. I am a highly educated and capable thinker and scientific researcher who moved from Amsterdam to England at the end of 2004. My stay in England was only supposed to be temporary. I have previously lived in the United States and as a result of that developed an interest in international affairs. When I was still living in Amsterdam, I occasionally attended meetings and talks by visiting American political scholars and the like. I’ve also always have had a strong sense for justice and when I see abuse, it makes me furious.
Here in Portsmouth, there is a lot of abuse and violence, a lot of misery and a lot of deep poverty. There are too many people here who experience an overwhelming sense of powerlessness and insignificance, but also sheer boredom. They do things like run after cars threatening to pull drivers from their cars, get into minor fights with a handful of people, but also get into massive fights with hundreds of people.
The local leadership is divisive and fairly abusive itself (like most white English politicians), hence does not seem to see the problem and conveniently ignores it. The local leadership has mostly focused its efforts on attracting cruise ships and businesses to Portsmouth, without paying any attention to the experience these cruise ship passengers and the employees of those businesses are going to have here. Heck, since the last local elections, the current political leader is mostly known for throwing sex parties, come to think of it. That won’t make up for a lack in leadership.
The abuse I am subjected to in Portsmouth is horrific, widespread and extensive. Literally everything I do these days gets sabotaged, meaning I have no income of any kind and have not been able to support myself for a long time, all in order to teach me to be subservient to men, behave like a good Englishwoman. Meek, subdued and demure, to be seen but never heard. The idea seems to be that they will “break” me and that I either then will crawl through the mud and beg men for money or commit suicide. The latter – trying to get me to commit suicide – has been a theme too. I have gotten tips on how to kill myself, where to purchase certain poisons, for example.
You know, I’d actually forgotten about that until now… in spite of a later active attempt to get me to kill myself, through the use of NLP, which was a scary experience. That is because I shrug about stupid nonsense and don’t want to waste any time on it. Life’s too short to waste it on puerile crap coming from these local 4chan and 8chan types.
That’s how I feel about this.)
You can’t make this shit up. The situation is one of complete war, certainly against independent emancipated women, whether it is women who are self-employed and home-based, women who run businesses away from their homes or women who are good at what they do and aim to have a career. There is nowhere we can go for help; we are entirely on our own. The local police is also pervaded by the same sentiments as the local hate groups.
By contrast, there is this local new white English business that is run by a man who has a harem of young white English girls around him. The vibe you get when you step into the establishment is decidedly off and it makes you think “What on earth is going on here? Is this actually a brothel that poses as something else?” I bet that his business does not get targeted.
Not having been allowed to support myself since I moved to Portsmouth at the start of 2009, I have carried out four failed escape attempts in 2017 and 2018. At the end of 2010, I had already walked into the ice-cold December sea because I literally had nowhere else left to go at the time.
While the abuse comes from mostly young white English males who use terms like “femoid”, “succubus” and “roastie” (which refers to labia, by the way, and stands for roast beef) to describe women and who feel very strongly that women should never be allowed to support themselves independently, there are also white English women in this hate movement. Most of them are very young, but there are also a few who are my age.
One of their latest main spiels regarding me was that they made themselves believe or spread the myth that I have Asperger’s and that there were certain things that would surely drive me crazy. (Think “causing sensory overwhelm”.) By contrast, these things that they have been doing with the intent to drive me crazy made them look ridiculous and seriously unhinged/unstable, hence potentially dangerous. These 4chan types have targeted a forum for autistic people in the past, for what they used to call lulz in those days. Lulz is another word for the application of sadism, the hunt for sadistic pleasures.
Another recent bit of bullshit they’ve been getting into is that I supposedly have a problem with LGBT etc people. Again, it just makes them come across as backward and narrow-minded.
I am not alone, however, and I take a lot of strength from that because it means that I have something to fight for that is bigger than just me. It means that by putting my foot down I can potentially accomplish something positive that is bigger than just me.
(This is one reason why I sometimes indulge in fantasies about local wildlife rehabilitation activities. If you can make humans feel empathy towards wildlife and enable them to see what other species have in common with them, it should make it easier for humans to feel more empathy for other humans, too. It could also cut through those feelings of uselessness and powerlessness that many locals seem to have as well as start eliminating their boredom by decreasing the number of hours in which they seem to have nothing better to do than plot mischief. Community vegetable and fruit gardens might help as well as it has been shown to support communities elsewhere. The local council’s recently planted Braeburn apple trees along Lake Road, but how many people know about that? It can be used to make people care and look after the trees and do more much along these lines. They can’t eat daffodils, by contrast, and they don’t mind if people vandalize daffodils, which sometimes happens.)
A local male business owner was targeted
with similar activity in 2018. The Sunday Times called it a “xenophobic campaign”. “Businessman falsely branded a paedophile by online bully forced to close vape shop after losing £75,000 in trade | The News” https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/businessman-ruined-after-false-online-claims-of-paedophilia-dnkddg93x
The rumor began to be spread that he was a pedophile. He was a hip, relaxed and “with it” business man and a dad. His turnover tanked, just like mine did within a year after moving to Portsmouth.
He is Scottish, btw, not English, and that certainly played a role.
https://youtu.be/9Q5KS_ytKCM This case actually went to court, which is exceedingly rare. It has clear echoes of Pizzagate. The perp comes from the same small area in town that targets me. This business man became suicidal, developed rapid-onset alopecia and became afraid to leave his home. He has left town, the trademark he took out for his undertaking still running for many years.
I also am aware of a local business owned by non-white English people that is being targeted. A local young entrepreneurial Englishwoman was too, for a while. So was an older self-employed Englishwoman. As far as I know, these cases were not as extreme as this Scotsman’s.
Here is a recent example of the misogynistic hate that abounds locally (5 May 2022): https://www.portsmouth.co.uk/news/crime/police-forced-to-intervene-as-woman-left-feeling-suicidal-after-widley-street-abuse-from-boys-calling-her-prostitute-and-paedophile-3681465)
The problem with abuse like this is that the targeted women are usually blamed for the abuse. Afraid of more abuse, they usually choose to stay quiet and remain anonymous.
I too have been there and I still often vacillate between being open about the abuse and not wishing to attract more abuse, but I have learned the hard way that what I do or don’t do – or wear, for that matter – doesn’t actually make a difference so I might as well be open about what is going on.
I also think that the more public and the longer I protest and the more of us do this, the more effect it will eventually have. This is not solely abuse of women. This is hate against anyone who is perceived as different, for any reason.
These 4chan and 8chan folks don’t just do things like blow up your phones and hard disks, try to get you to commit suicide, block your text messages and e-mails, steal bank cards and ID from your postal mail, change your contact details at HMRC, spread and fuel nasty rumors about you, order loads of pizzas or send a SWAT team to your house (“when she opens the door, you grab her”, I heard a female police officer whisper in front of the door to my home here years ago; I still have no idea what kind of bullshit had gotten the police to turn up that day as I heard nothing further about it when I ignored the yellow sticky note the officer left behind), remove files from your harddisk and text from your website, throw nasty “birthday parties” for you and bombard you with sexual imagery intended to upset you, have gullible people suddenly bark “rat” at you, they also sometimes pick locks and vandalize people’s homes and so on.
(Hackers are often also into lock-picking and things like knowing how to walk up to unsuspecting people from behind without them noticing, so that they can startle them or pick their pockets. I found out about this by watching a few DefCon videos on YouTube.)
It’s my impression that many of these 4chan, 8chan and incel types are simply painfully insecure and have a tendency to lash out at anyone who makes them more aware of their insecurities. This of course is already quite common in England anyway, with its Victorian hangups, but these 4chan, 8chan and incel types often take this to extremes.
They’re not only youngsters who work at the local providers as well as various local government offices and so on, but also a few police officers are part of this movement and it’s not only young people but also men in their forties and fifties and even one bitter old cow who works at a library who has sensitivities about her… voice… (Yes, I have a nice voice. Deal with it.) What has caused this woman to be so painfully insecure about her voice? She has a role in which she interacts with the public.
There’s another slightly older woman who’s popped up several times over the years, playing a role in my abuse. I am starting to suspect that she is an actual actress. She is into LARPing, big time, gaslighting people, pretending to be someone she is not. She is not necessarily based in Portsmouth. Her physical appearance makes her very convincing, but she is a con artist.
There even used to be one of these 4chan types working at my GP practice, but thankfully, she disappeared around the time that the practice became part of Trafalgar. (“Her blood immune values are off. What evil can we do with that?” Just one example.)
But they’re also immensely destructive and even downright dangerous:
It’s only very recently that I’ve realised that I owe my 13+ years of hell to these 4chan and 8chan types, though I have in the past joked about being targeted by Anonymous.
Now, finally, everything adds up, including the odd remark that I got years ago. “You’re actually a really nice woman.” The abuse continued in spite of that. That didn’t make sense to me at the time..
This is how this shit of 4chan and 8chan works. People get targeted by 4chan and 8chan for no real reason, but nasty rumors get spread about them, making more and more of these characters target them.
Occasionally, one of these folks stops himself and backs off.
“You’re actually a really nice woman.”
It’s not personal.
It also explains why I once got the explanation that my business name was the reason for targeting me. Once.
If I had had a stalker, there should have been more consistence. I also realized a long time ago that what was going on did not seem to add up logistically speaking. But then I read that these “sadistic” aka “resentful” stalkers often work with a network of helpers.
It’s anonymous hate, however, flung at me by hundreds of people who have no clue who I am.
By people to whom I am no more than a random dog that they are hitting with a baseball bat. It’s no more than utter scum that is doing this to me. While I was typing and editing this bit for the first time, the pale-skinned fatso 4chan baby in my phone grabbed the cursor so that it reads “cum” for a while.
Yep, there’s been an obsessive focus on sex, with even puerile remarks about golden showers and face-sitting having been flung my way in the past. That is typical (white nationalist and) 4chan and 8chan activity. The hate flung at me comes from adults with the minds of disgruntled and rebellious 10-year-olds but also from many actual teenagers.
The day before, whoever was in my electronic equipment “gave me the finger” by pulling down the cursor to the finger part of a photo below on which I am holding up a counting or lecturing finger. There’s been a water bottle theme over the years; this too means “up yours” in 4chan speak, I’ve recently discovered.
I’ve previously been bombarded with for example stuff to do slang for female genitalia from time to time, usually on Freecycle. It took me a while to figure that out.
(The 4chan types in Pizzagate were convinced that words like “cheese” stood for things to do with pedophilia. That’s because they themselves constantly communicate in “code” so that it is hard for the authorities to figure out what they are up to. It goes beyond the use of urban slang.)
A container on my kitchen counter was even cut up once to resemble labia during one of the lock-picking exercises in my current flat. When I was still living in my previous flat, in Southsea, one of the tenants in the three or four flats above me, threw a peach cut into the shape of female genitalia onto my secluded patio. A slogan trying to incite sexual harassment or violence was written on the white wall of the above hallway there, with an arrow to my name.
Hallelujah, this is indeed typical for 4chan!
I should have seen this sooner, perhaps, but for a long time, like I said, I thought that I was dealing with a stalker. I even decided to find out if Tracey Morgan’s stalker – whose stalking began in Gosport, on the other shore of Portsmouth Harbour, and who was sentenced to life in prison after he tried to kill his next target – had been paroled after 7 years. On 2 October 2020, I discovered that there were similarities between things that he had done and things that had happened to me in Portsmouth. I tried three different avenues to find out where he was and, apparently, he is still in prison.
Because I thought I had a stalker, I started looking into and developed a great deal of insight in neurodiversity, personality disorders and stranger-stalking. This is why this site contains a great deal about stalking, notably sadistic stalking which is also called resentful stalking.
I have meanwhile also seen how the folks who are doing this have set up friends and colleagues against me and vice versa, and how they manipulate people and spread lies. How they often do this is as follows.
They feed you a few morsels of information that are accurate. Then they start feeding you bullshit, and not even always clearly, but in hints dropped and suggestions made, very cunningly, often in word games and NLP-like practices. This way, they pitch many people in this town against each other and create an atmosphere of hate, abuse and distrust.
Is this also how some of these local violent brawls come about?
So I was wrong about being stalked by a malignant psychopath. So I am being targeted by hundreds of mostly local little white turds. That does not mean at all that I am always wrong.
Let’s face it, how the hell do you know what the fuck you’re dealing with when utterly bizarre shit is suddenly flung your way in an anonymous manner in a strange town in a strange country where you don’t know anyone? When even police don’t want to help in any way because in their eyes you’re just some stupid foreign old cunt anyway? Kinda like 4chan sees you too.
So now this is what I do. I study otherisation and hate, diversity, inclusivity and I study the effects of otherisation, how it not only leads to hate on the part of the people who do the otherising (or othering as some people call it) but also on the part of the people who are being otherised and targeted.
I take the role that neuroscience plays into account as well, how people’s own biology can trip them up.
I furiously fight hate and abuse.
And, yes, from now on, it’s up to individual white English people to prove to me that they are not part of this white nationalist English hate movement. I can no longer afford to make assumptions. I am writing this in May 2022, after several weeks with deeply concerning encounters and developments. What is going on here is a genuine war against me and there is nothing humorous in it whatsoever. It’s deeply disconcerting. I wish I had never moved to Portsmouth because it is an immensely toxic place. I have zero doubt left about that.
Hi there. Still with me? Now something about my professional background. I’m a critical thinker and researcher. You can consider me an otherisation and hate group expert now, after nearly two decades as an emancipated, independent, older, female boss migrant in England.
My main professional background is in the earth and life sciences and, before I became a scientist, I used to work in tourism and hospitality in Amsterdam.
I have more recently also dabbled in bioethics, law as well as neuroscience. That’s all connected to otherisation as well as to life sciences, of course.
In 1993, I graduated with distinction from VU University Amsterdam, having obtained my MSc in earth sciences, an additional diploma for chemical oceanography research carried out at VU University Amsterdam in conjunction with NIOZ as well as two certificates for evening courses completed at the Netherlands School for Journalism in Utrecht.
While working on my Master’s, I was a member of the university’s “Studium Generale” think tank. I also was one of the organisers of two symposiums for women in science and technology in those days. So, besides for example writing a report and giving a presentation on the then brand-new exciting and Nobel Prize-winning developments of scanning tunneling microscopy and atomic force microscopy for my department, I also carried out a literature study on gender bias in sociobiology.
My main research interest concerned the (marine) biogeochemistry of metals such as iron, cobalt and manganese as well as the rare earths. The specialisation of my Master’s was in hardrock geochemistry. I did my final two months of fieldwork in the Swedish Precambrium.
I have since worked at and with universities and other organisations all over the world and have lived and worked in the United States for a while. In the course of those activities, I made many friends, acquaintances and professional contacts most of who are now lost from my life as a result of persistent hacking. I have been active in more roles and more organisations than I can still remember at this point in my life, but my network is essentially gone.
I am a former board member and member of several committees for a Dutch foundation for women in science and technology (NIMF, founded in 1988), a former associate editor for the international newsletter of the US-based Geochemical Society and a former board member of the Environmental Chemistry (and Toxicology) Section of the Royal Netherlands Chemical Society, which is not an organisation exclusively for academics but for all chemistry professionals, regardless of whether they work in the industry, for the government, within their own businesses or at universities.
I am also a former member of Toastmasters of The Hague (part of Toastmasters International), a former member of the UK’s Green Party (for Americans: this is not the same as being a registered voter), a former member of the Portsmouth Environmental Forum (no longer in existence), which was supported by Portsmouth City Council and contained several city councillors, and one of the eleven graduates of the NCFE-accredited course “Taking the Lead”, also supported by Portsmouth City Council.
In addition, I am a former member of the Amsterdam American Business Club and of the Southampton-based SHEA business club (Southwest Hampshire Enterprise Agency, no longer in existence). For those who don’t know that, which is common even among people working at the tax authorities, a business club has nothing to do with cocktails and entertainment but is dedicated to business networking. I started my first small business in Amsterdam in 1997 and moved to England at the end of 2004, taking my business with me.
Initially, I offered university scientists the opportunity to outsource some of their many tasks, which I accomplished in conjunction with an international team of associates. Other parties later discovered me too. I have worked with universities such as the University of Twente, Utrecht University, Wageningen University and Arkansas State University (desk research, teaching, scientific editing), high-end consultancies such as Arcadis (Elements print magazine), NATO C3 (presentation skills workshops) as well as with mining companies, publishers and the like.
I have been called very creative, immensely versatile, attentive, flexible and highly conscientious. I’ve always been highly driven, have always been a self-starter.
When I was in my mid forties and already living in the UK, I let go of my ambition to become a full professor with my own cutting-edge marine biogeochemistry research group.
It was around that time – looking for a new professional direction in my life – that I became a persistent target of white English hate. I initially had no idea what – or who – I was dealing with, let alone what I was in for.