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I suddenly lost internet access on my computer. It was something in the computer, not the (tethering) phones (tethering on two different networks).

I had logged into The Guardian, left a comment. I mean, this is like a liberation for most of the UK.

But they weren’t actually online, those comments. That has happened a bazillion times over the past 16 years. I would reach out to people on blogs or leave comments under articles, but they went nowhere. Regardless of whether it was in the UK or the US. It was impossible to network.

(It went much further than this, much further than not being able to leave comments.)

I’ve lived in fear for so long. I couldn’t do a thing! And when I asked for help or whatever, I often would get punished for not keeping my mouth shut.

And all that other people could do at best was not MOCK ME. They’ve seen me pick up food from the streets and rummage to garbage bins and what not to survive, too.

He often used to get so angry when I visited foreign websites, too. CNN, notably, until he stopped objecting.

There was so much hate and contempt behind so many things that he did.

(His mother is Austrian.)

He is so immensely controlling. Unbelievably so. He really suffocates you to death.

I was soo soo soo gutted when the crap followed me out of Portsmouth. It was all for nothing.

And he’ll do anything to prove to others what a loser I am. It’s hilarious.

He feeds them packs of lies that he probably partly believes, and they all fall for it.

He has a nice side, a side that I appreciate, but I am terrified of what he does, of how it suffocates you to death, of how it/he isolates you and renders you super powerless. Tentacles of clingfilm wrapped around the throat of my life.

I don’t know if this behavior is aimed at his mother or at himself (whether he projects so much that he thinks that I am exactly like him?).

He’s like a guy who takes a baseball bat to a dog or cat and then calls the animal bad and weak because he feels that it shouldn’t be bleeding and it shouldn’t have broken bones and it should not cry out in pain.

And when the poor animal runs away and tries to hide, he chases after it again and beats it to near-death and then curses it for its perceived “failings”.

Over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

16+ years long.

It’s awful.

It’s a never-ending nightmare inflicted on me by some proverbial monster out there. I was an easy and irresistible target as an educated but single migrant abroad. Nobody knew me. Almost nobody cared.

And he tells everyone else what a loser I am and that he is just looking out for me or that he is a friend and is just playing a little joke on me or he actually PAYS them to carry out crap.

I want my life back.

It signaled that there was voicemail. This was an old voicemail and I was pretty sure it was a robocall message as I had been getting many of those.

When I decided to dial in and delete it, as mentioned before, I discovered that the SIM card was offline, Then it came online again and went to 3G. It later went to 4G.

I just dialed in. I have no voice mail messages, but the symbol that says that I do is still there.

Okay. Time to admit that I thought that the robocalls weren’t genuine. (Keep in mind that I have been dealing with this for over 16 years. I am a scientist. I can analyze things and spot patterns.)

This phone is not an android. I bought it on purpose. I can’t tether with it and there are other things that I can’t do with it, but if I need to make a call and don’t want too much interference, I put my regular SIM card into that phone.

The last time I did that, I did get cut off, probably because whoever it was wanted to listen to my voice while I made the call. He’s had a thing for wanting to listen to my voice for a long time.

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This is the message that popped up the other day. When my phone went ping after something else had happened. I took a photo but it disappeared.

My tablet was getting really hot again and when I checked, its internet connection had been “hi-jacked” by the local hotspot again. This happened non-stop after I moved in.

Now I have several subscriptions so usually plenty of data. (Data allowance is much more generous in the UK.) A few days ago, or maybe one day ago, it started happening again.

This morning, I also saw that one of my English phones had gone offline. I decided to remove an old voice mail message – has been there for ages, didn’t matter – and to my amazement couldn’t dial out. That’s when I saw that it said “emergency only”. Immediately after that, the SIM card came online again.

WTF is going on in this teeny tiny but really really really strange town? It has a culture that I am totally unfamiliar with and I have a feeling that it might also be really helpful if I speak and write exclusively English here so that people don’t get their knickers in a twist when I use what is likely English sarcasm… England’s main form of humor.

Also, yep, it looks like I will have to purchase more AI credits, that I am gonna be just a few short. Probably just 4, for now. EUR 9.99 gets me 1000 credits. That’s a lot of videos.

It would be nice if those locals who claim to be entertaining theories along the lines of that I am actually a Martian who is wearing a highly sophisticated suit that makes me look like an earthling but am secretly plotting a coup to overtake Earth – and what not – would keep their nonsense to themselves and go feed ducks in a park instead.

I’m a little concerned about the mental health of some of the people who have been sending me emails recently.

Then again, I can’t be sure that those emails are 100% genuine.

Years ago, I tried to send spoofed mail via my own mailserver at my business address, via my smarterscience.com domain (which I let go of about a decade ago). I wanted to know how easy it was for someone else to do that. And you know what? It was a piece of cake. Yikes.

It’s no longer as easy as it was back then, I am sure, but it’s still pretty easy. It’s gotten a lot better because big companies are now regularly conned out of millions and hundreds of thousands on the basis of hijacked email communications.

(No, the Netherlands certainly is no longer my home country.) (Let’s leave it at that.)

Also, did I really accidentally stumble upon a major fraud scheme? If I assume the sum of EUR 2000 for everyone who it concerns, and assume that it applies to 10% (but it’s already at least 20% in my situation), then that would add up to around EUR 8 million per year. Did I really just uncover a fraud scheme? Can’t believe that. But if not, then what? It’s just baffling.

• Many people mistakenly believe that in order to be successful, you need to generate huge amounts of money for it to count. No. You just need to do something that you enjoy doing, that enables you to support you and that adds value to other people’s lives. That’s enough. You don’t need to be rich. That idea is just a recipe for misery.

• Also, whatever you do… avoid small-minded civil servants of the pen-pushing kind. They can throw so many obstructions in your path to spite you and waste a lot of your time.
  
  I remember my boss in Florida telling me that there was a particular guy there, in the admin building, who would leave things sitting in his drawer or on his desk just so that he got a feeling of power out of it. I don’t even remember what that guy was supposed to do, sign off on paperwork on behalf of the university, something like that – but he was the cause of many delays.

Re the stuff below: YES, sometimes it really is just IT at work without any hacking. 🙂

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Yesterday, I found a printed A4 in my postal box from an organization that previously did not respond to my email and written communication that I can always send them an email or written communication. Very funny.

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Update 3 July 2024, 09:25: I am keeping this online to protect myself. I’ve now also realized why Jeroen V. – who I think is a decent guy – was behaving so bizarrely. I am pretty sure that he had been fed a load of nonsense about me, the poor guy. (His attitude, too, made me back out.) I was about to forward him an email that I sent to someone else this morning, but I won’t. There are two rotten apples in that particular bunch; the others are likely okay. Those two rotten apples are really mean-spirited, however, and they make me very reluctant to interact with any of them or their colleagues. I’ve spent too much time in Portsmouth to know that one or two people can make your life a living hell for years because the others don’t know you and are likely to take what they are told at face-value.

I want out of here asap. (Are all small towns like this? I am used to much larger towns, where most people let each other LIVE and don’t obsess over strangers.)

But my main problem remains my hacker(s). I can’t do much of anything until that is finally resolved for good; whoever this is is insanely persistent (and pretty destructive). He really enjoys thwarting my efforts, but it’s always a game of positive and negative.

For now, I have to keep focusing on generating new income, hacker(s) or no hacker(s).

He always hits out unexpectedly, also sometimes when you think that he’s finally left you in peace. Anything to pester and sabotage me. Why? I dunno. It is just the way he is. Why me? I dunno. It always has me on edge because I never know what stunt he will pull next, or IF he will pull one or not. There’s always the “nah nah nah nah nah”.

(Such as what happened at the end of 2019 and start of 2020, with payments from my oldest client going astray over 6 months. Then he started taunting me with it. And finding contact details changed in all sorts of places such as HMRC VAT and even getting a spoofed call from that client with the voice of an old friend who had just passed away and other “messages” from her and so on. The call made no sense but I was busy at the time and only gave a quick response. When I tried to call back, I couldn’t. I tried a few times.)

(People’s responses to me talking about this and asking for help almost always boil down to “women don’t know how to handle technology” or a version thereof. So I no longer talk about it. There is nowhere you can go to get help with something like this. I now know that you need to disappear to resolve a situation as crazy as this – which the Dutch police used to advise too, in the past; I know someone who had to do that – but you can’t do that without having enough cash (and/or family support) to do that. Having the cooperation from someone with a holiday hide-out somewhere – anywhere – could be very helpful too. But people don’t help. They pull away because it is all far too crazy for words, what’s been going on in my life for… wait for it… 16+ years now.)

(I’ve also dealt with years of abuse as the result of trying to explain what was going on. Stupid migrant does not know how to handle technology, and what not, it got stale, so stale. And it imposes an immense stress load because of how powerless it makes you feel. Nobody HELPS. Almost everyone simply becomes ABUSIVE when you ask for help. It’s a bit like the situation with that woman whose emaciated body was found in a closet in England a while back. Everybody around her SAW what was happening. They must have sought any excuse they could find not to help her. After she’d been beaten to death, and her body was stuffed in a closet, it was too late to help her.)

ANYONE WHO DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THAT I PREFER TO STAY FOCUSED ON THE MAIN ISSUES INSTEAD OF DEALING WITH PETTY GAMES PLAYED BY PEOPLE WHO APPARENTLY HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH THEIR TIME, WELL, THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM.

(I so wish I could get my pre-hacker life back. The hacking causes so much conflict and tension in my life. People can’t figure out wtf is going on and some wonder why I am always so tense and look so desperate these days. I want my normal life back.)

Am currently working on the subtitles for my latest course. He forced me to do them in a different manner but this step is actually really beneficial. Except… it is costing me a lot more time as I have to re-render the videos and why didn’t he simply let me know about this earlier? Why the hocus pocus, the secrecy? All I am finding is that my captions aren’t being generated. They should be. It’s automatic. So then I start looking into it and he may start popping up helpful links, like when he gave me the link to an article about Murphy’s right hand legal advisor who’d been to prison for three years and was kicked out of the profession.

When he “helps me”, he (then) usually (also) does something else that does a lot of damage or that makes all that work for nothing. Not always.

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UPDATE 14:32(and 17:17): It’s revenge, indeed, that I am dealing with locally, plain and simple.

I called someone out on her unprofessional clumsy behavior last year – because I was baffled by what the heck she was doing and offended as well as she was violating my rights without a word of explanation – and she took revenge. That was the impression I had at the time. That impression was confirmed just now.

Dutch legal aid had advised me to call a number for assistance, asap, and I did so, and I ended up talking with the very person who according to the people mentioned in Dutch below set all of this sordid mess in motion – which she now denies.

Turns out that she considers herself a world-class forensic psychologist and IT-specialist and she is furious that I still won’t acknowledge that and instead now think of her as a total “huppelkutje”. Actually, I’ve now dismissed her as totally immaterial, of course. I initially gave her the benefit of the doubt as she was a brand-new employee and simply seemed to have no clue what she was doing. She still has no clue what she is doing but she is a mean-spirited and vengeful person with clear sadistic tendencies and no capacity for empathy. Classic narcissistic personality.

Here is the thing that concerns me. I am not in a wheelchair and I am educated and I do not have dementia and I am not frail. If she is this horrible with me, how on earth does she treat people who she perceives as even much more vulnerable than me (who she seems to see as a mere speck of dirt on her windshield)?

I can afford to hang up on her. What about the people who can’t?

This to assuage all the fears of non-feminist men that I go exclusively after them. (I don’t “go after” people. I hold up a huge STOP sign. That’s all. Unless someone is going after lots of other people, because then I may alert, say, authorities or lobbying organizations, such as, say, for the over-55s, in this particular case.)

Over the phone she was playing despicable silly games and seemed to relish what she saw as my powerlessness.

The person who I filed the police report about is her superior.

(Another silly “huppelkutje”? Yes, I think so. There are many wonderful people in the world but some aren’t and have no excuses.)

Last year, but I don’t know when exactly, she let me know things like “if you can’t count because for example you have dementia, we can help you count”. That is all they do there, they said. They can make phone calls and send emails for people who don’t know how to make phone calls and send emails. That kind of stuff.

My initial feeling when things suddenly escalated was that I was dealing with revenge. Good to know that I was spot on. That’s highly reassuring.

The way the Dutch system works, local civil servants have immense power over the poor and over older people and people with disabilities and so on. That is not the case in England, where you can simply move to another town, for example, and retain the same rights.

If you flee from domestic violence, for example, you can’t flee to another town, in the Netherlands. You have to remain stuck in the town in which you were already stuck, no matter how small the town is. At least, those were the rules the last time I checked; some things have changed in the past 2 to 3 years.

As I was right about this, however, then I am very likely also right about the other thing that has puzzled me. You have to live in society’s underbelly to find out what really goes on. That was the case in Portsmouth and it is clearly also the case here. I’ve never lived in this country’s underbelly before.

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