I suddenly lost internet access on my computer. It was something in the computer, not the (tethering) phones (tethering on two different networks).

I had logged into The Guardian, left a comment. I mean, this is like a liberation for most of the UK.

But they weren’t actually online, those comments. That has happened a bazillion times over the past 16 years. I would reach out to people on blogs or leave comments under articles, but they went nowhere. Regardless of whether it was in the UK or the US. It was impossible to network.

(It went much further than this, much further than not being able to leave comments.)

I’ve lived in fear for so long. I couldn’t do a thing! And when I asked for help or whatever, I often would get punished for not keeping my mouth shut.

And all that other people could do at best was not MOCK ME. They’ve seen me pick up food from the streets and rummage to garbage bins and what not to survive, too.

He often used to get so angry when I visited foreign websites, too. CNN, notably, until he stopped objecting.

There was so much hate and contempt behind so many things that he did.

(His mother is Austrian.)

He is so immensely controlling. Unbelievably so. He really suffocates you to death.

I was soo soo soo gutted when the crap followed me out of Portsmouth. It was all for nothing.

And he’ll do anything to prove to others what a loser I am. It’s hilarious.

He feeds them packs of lies that he probably partly believes, and they all fall for it.

He has a nice side, a side that I appreciate, but I am terrified of what he does, of how it suffocates you to death, of how it/he isolates you and renders you super powerless. Tentacles of clingfilm wrapped around the throat of my life.

I don’t know if this behavior is aimed at his mother or at himself (whether he projects so much that he thinks that I am exactly like him?).

He’s like a guy who takes a baseball bat to a dog or cat and then calls the animal bad and weak because he feels that it shouldn’t be bleeding and it shouldn’t have broken bones and it should not cry out in pain.

And when the poor animal runs away and tries to hide, he chases after it again and beats it to near-death and then curses it for its perceived “failings”.

Over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

16+ years long.

It’s awful.

It’s a never-ending nightmare inflicted on me by some proverbial monster out there. I was an easy and irresistible target as an educated but single migrant abroad. Nobody knew me. Almost nobody cared.

And he tells everyone else what a loser I am and that he is just looking out for me or that he is a friend and is just playing a little joke on me or he actually PAYS them to carry out crap.

I want my life back.