https://youtu.be/BtGvgu3E-2M

https://youtu.be/inL9n1johC8

Very odd that this video went live all by itself. That’s never happened before. I was asleep at the time. I added the description later.

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There’s an article in the Atlantic – https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/06/when-your-child-is-a-psychopath/524502/ – that also talks about this.

How people become cold and cruel. This is one of many reasons why we shouldn’t have wars any longer.

I also have a theory about the endocrine system having something to do with it. A constant high level of stress hormones is very unhealthy, so when that happens, the endocrine system starts changing some of its responses. (There’s research that supports this idea, yes.) That’s how cruelty can become associated with feelings of excitement and perhaps even of joy, except that it’s just the effect of a protective response from the endocrine system. Children have no way of knowing and controlling that.

It’s different for adults who become exposed to a lot of cruelty, but even for them, it’s hard.

So a guy who in the past was even banned from visiting the UK, which has now already been pretty hostile to all foreigners for at least one or two decades, as many people in England were already pretty hostile toward foreigners in 2004 and Theresa May introduced her hostile environment in 2010 or thereabouts, gets to rule this country. The Netherlands.

That’s like saying that the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy exist. Except that the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny are positive characters.

In 2011, an Englishman who hadn’t lived in England for around three decades kept telling me that I was so wrong, so mistaken, about various things that I told him about my experiences there. He too has had several harsh wake-up calls since.

We’ve had Trump, we’ve had Bolsonaro, we have Argentina and now the Netherlands.

The Netherlands has historically always welcomed those who were persecuted abroad, whether it was in Spain and Portugal (Sephardic Jews) or England (Mayflower). Suddenly that’s changed. That’s major.

And that’s scary.

The Dutch were always the voice of reason and of fairness, the ones who stood up for everyone’s rights. Even if this often made them perceived as dull or annoying, we need some country to play this role in the world.

Which country can we count on now? The voices of Merkel, Marin and Ardern have already disappeared too.

Who will add the badly needed dash of moderation to the global stew?

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Maya Kowalski. But things aren’t going to be okay again any time soon. Not for a long time. Not for her brother either. What a nightmare.

The money will feel like, finally, validation, like a strange, uneasy form of comfort because it spells “finally, justice”, but it doesn’t replace her mother’s hug, for example.

Jeez. This really reminds you that things can always be worse. So if you’re going through a rough spot, remember that.

Somehow, this whole story passed me by until today. Then YouTube dished this up because it’s noticed my interest in certain court cases. I did a quick web search and was startled to discover that this was in St Petersburg, where I used to live. There is another hospital along the same street; I did some training there. One is at 501, the other at 701.

The video about what Kylie went through in Iran is also on this website. Yes, it marks you, going through something like that. It’s hard to describe. It changes you profoundly.

In the first video, at 14:40, professor Heather Douglas says that “good stalkers make you doubt yourself” and that when you’re no longer sure of anything, you become much easier to control.

… and/or an expression of the feeling that one isn’t worthy of love.

https://youtu.be/LnSXT4ONt08?si=QI693gERyKaeIP1U

(It’s also the story of grandiose narcissism.)

When I look at the comments under videos about CPTSD, coercive control, gaslighting and so on, I see lots of people who are going through the same things that the others are going through and that only they understand. And the way they do their best to support each other is awesome. It’s probably one of the quickest ways to get that warm blanket feeling back.

(It actually got me crying the other day. Suddenly, you are no longer alone going through something like this. It’s amazing.)

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The sad thing about the experiences that Alex Skeel went through is that people around you who see you, people of all ages, people who don’t know you, will usually just mock you.

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This is a long, and apparently Dutch-made, documentary about narcissistic abuse in a relationship.

At some point, the revenge gets mentioned, the fact that all aspects in your life become attacked and undermined, including your career.

People you know and even a few who you don’t know will be approached with bullshit stories about you. Many people will fall for the lies, which will often have an element of truth to them, making it very hard to defend yourself.

So don’t even try. People who instantly believe bullshit stories about you are not good to have in your life. Do your best to see other options instead of focusing on all the avenues that become blocked for you.

That is tricky. After many years of narcissistic abuse, your world has shrunk immensely and your thoughts have become trapped in a small circle. They go round and round, like leaves in a mini tornado.

It’s like becoming paralyzed to some degree. You often get completely torn down. You end up doubting yourself a lot and stop liking yourself and stop believing in good.

Only people who have been in this type of situation will understand this.

Don’t expect empathy from people who have no clue as to what it’s like. Don’t expect validation to come from anyone else but yourself. Acknowledge what you have been through and what it has done to you. Focus exclusively on your own well-being… because you really must.

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I drew my first cage drawing in Southsea. Must have been in 2010. I posted it online and explained why. He punished me by cutting off access to my business email. I managed to grab and print a traceroute that showed the diversion before he interfered with that too. I didn’t take it to the police. A) They wouldn’t have had a clue as to what it was. B) I was a woman, an older woman, a single woman, and a foreign woman.

You can’t make it up. It remains incomprehensible… My explanation is that some people know that they are so impossible to live with that they feel that they have to do this. In the end, they can’t keep living the lies and everything goes to pieces. But what do I know?

I almost signed up for it. I thought “oh, I might be able to combine this with that lifecoach course that I saw.”

True.

Upon further exploration I initially decided that this is not for me. This is not my kind of profession. I would like to see many things happen, but that doesn’t mean that they are all up to me. I don’t need to make sure that they all happen.

Then I saw this, and this really resonates with me.

I still think that this course probably is not for me. No need to sleep on it and explore some more. I remember a man I met earlier this year. I would not want to be dealing with him. This is not my profession, even though it may be a matter of finding the right context. But I’ve explored this in the past. It’s just not me.

I like understanding it so that I can apply the knowledge in my own life. I find people with narcissistic tendencies easier to deal with than autistic people.

This following is probably very useful for people with narcissistic tendencies. It’s useful for me, too, but being conscientious is not the same as being a relentless perfectionist.

(Hmm. And now I suddenly have the right context. And a difficult test case pops right into my mind. Making several clicks. Will make a call.)

Others may find this course package very interesting too. It certainly sounds like a very refreshing change from how narcissism is usually portrayed, much more holistic.

https://www.nicabm.com/program/fb-narcissism-1/

This video below is probably also highly relevant within this context.

(So sad that the YouTube algorithm instantly started dishing up sensationalist content in my stream next. This algorithm does what Twitter’s started doing some years ago. It shoves nonsense in your face and tries to take you into Daily Mail land, so to speak.)

That’s the heading of one of my incoming emails this morning.

I agree. It was one of the reasons why I wanted to get pigeon rescue going in Portsmouth. It’s a town with a lot of poverty and misery. Just about everyone seems to hate everyone else there and help for the poor often contains an element of rubbing it in, of contempt, of criticism.

It’s easy to get a pigeon rescue effort going as long as you stick to pigeons and send all other species to a different facility.

I figured that through volunteering and working with these animals, people would not only become more compassionate toward animals but also toward eachother. They would get a free meal in the process. It might even give their lives a sense of purpose again.

To overcome the costs and other practicalities involved in having an actual facility, I came up with the idea of a “distributed” rescue. Rehab a pigeon in your home. Materials and support provided. Makes it harder to provide free meals, though.

I’m trying to be as animal-friendly and considerate toward the environment as possible. Particularly the latter often gets you mocked. You’re supposed to be spending as much as possible and buying stuff new as much as possible.

And you’re supposed to be using and exploiting animals, even if it’s only because they’re sweet and soft and cuddly.

Even dogs can worry and toss and turn in their sleep. And pigeons are very intelligent and capable of empathy. Did you know that?

I find it very hard to avoid animal exploitation in my food. But I’m trying and the more I try, the more often I succeed.

This is my breakfast today. The plate and the cutlery were thrifted. The food is tofu – like scrambled eggs – and mushrooms. Salt, pepper, organic olive oil. Too much plastic involved. I take it to the plastic and metal recycling bin but fear that the plastic will turn up on a beach in Africa. The nonstick wok has forever chemicals associated with it. A real wok would be metal and wood only, but then again, steelworks and metal mining often cause a great deal of pollution. I could probably have thrifted a wok. Can’t explain why I didn’t other than “wasn’t thinking”.

But at least I am trying. So can you.

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Meanwhile, the Fareham MP who currently happens to head the UK Home Office effectively wants to criminalize any foreigners naive and optimistic enough to take up a teaching position in the UK only for them to discover that they can no longer pay the rent or get kicked out through a Section 21 Notice for example because Airbnb brings landlords more money. That’s not a lifestyle choice, Ms Braverman. That’s the result of bad government.

https://arstechnica.com/information-technology/2023/11/no-okta-senior-management-not-an-errant-employee-caused-you-to-get-hacked/

Everybody knows that there’s no such thing as hacking. That’s just something that old cows like me make up to hide that they can no longer hack it. Life. They’re too old and too feeble-minded to handle modern technology. Everybody knows that. They can no longer hack real life. Warehouse the bitches. They just get in the way.

(Or as Boris Johnson said, let them have cake, and covid.)

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This is tremendously dystopian. Police in England and Wales are blood-testing women who’ve had a miscarriage for abortion-related medications. They’re also studying women’s period apps on their seized phones.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/police-testing-abortion-drugs-miscarriage-b2439733.html

The Guardian had several related articles about a year ago.

Yeah, right, that may explain A LOT with regard to my own life, too. A heck of a lot.

😭

If women cannot trust police officers in any circumstances in England, it may be time for female vigilante human rights defenders to organize themselves into an alternative for the police.

Also, “jiggling atoms”, the essence of the microwave. It’s a machine that makes the atoms jiggle. And the bicycle pump, that’s the essence of a fridge.

Having a poster on the office wall with the word “autism” in a huge font size, that isn’t inclusive but akin to greenwashing.

This morning I received this image in my mailbox. That’s not what inclusivity is like either. It’s only inclusivity if literally everyone does it, otherwise it’s a guarantee for becoming stalked at some point.

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Yet even today, most people still assume that electronic communications are 100% genuine. Really creepy story. It’s giving me some new food for thought with regard to my own experiences. (But not really!)

I am still getting royalties for work that I did before I moved to Portsmouth, so dating back to 2008 (at the latest) and earlier. It’s nice to have that little token of appreciation.

This morning, the CNN site cleared up a misunderstanding that many people probably share with me. Ruminating and fretting about real experiences and worries, it may feel intrusive but that isn’t what is thought by that, says CNN’s Kristen Rogers.

When I was a youngster, I would sometimes have this fleeting fear that an invisible hand would push me into traffic and that I couldn’t stop it, as if a hurricane-force wind was blowing. That’s an example of an intrusive thought. At the time, I thought that I must have had a nightmare and that that is where it came from. I wasn’t living in an area that was known for strong winds. My mother was very concerned about the busy traffic on the road we lived on. Maybe that was the source of these irrational thoughts.

After I moved from Southampton to Portsmouth, where I became subjected to a lot of sadism and violations of my boundaries, including lock-picking, it happened to me once or twice that I was walking behind someone on crutches and the following sudden thought would pop up. “What if I kicked the crutches away?” I was appalled. It was not something that I would ever do in real life but I found it very unpleasant. That’s another example of an intrusive thought.

Mine are mostly about fretting whether I have accidentally upset or hurt someone, I think. They aren’t necessarily as irrational as they might seem. A few months ago, I said something to a woman behind a counter, one of the two owners of a shop. After I walked out of the shop, it hit me that what I had said could have been interpreted in two different ways. I walked back into the shop and said “hey, I didn’t mean this, I meant that.” She was amazed. You see, she had taken it the wrong way and she was feeling a little hurt.

I think I will happily continue to have a few intrusive thoughts about whether I have accidentally hurt someone, even though it makes me feel silly because nobody’s ever said something like that to me or even apologized for something truly hurtful they did. Some people believe that caring means that you signal that it is okay for others to walk all over you. It’s merely a matter of how big an ego you have, or of how secure you feel in yourself, irrespective of what others do to you.

But don’t callously violate my boundaries and think you can walk all over me.

Twenty years ago, in Australia, they enacted it after this happened:

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Damn. I am 12 minutes into this and it looks like his rage came from being otherized… I am still continuing to watch. I think that a lot of sadistic stalking comes from a similar place and I’m quite stunned to see this so well depicted here by that psychiatrist.

If only we could prevent that people like this become otherized so badly. This story or interpretation reminds me a little of the guy in a stalking case in St Petersburg.

But when I started watching the video, I found him very creepy, and I continued to feel that way. Goes to show that you really cannot tell from looking at people how smart or capable or cold they are?

But… this is based on what ONE forensic psychiatrist said in this video.

I find this unpleasant to watch. The coldness. The discrepancies. I wonder if they ever did a brain scan and I am also wondering about the background of the rabbits.

Then the attorney says that this guy wanted the people he had “merely” injured to come to court and point the finger at him. That’s clearly sadistic.

You see that time and time again, that these guys want to see up close that they’ve really hurt you.

Or was it fueled by resentment, in his case?

There is something very calculated/calculating about him. Is that because he is “dim”? Because he has trouble making up his mind? Somehow I don’t think so.

The girlfriend, the restaurant menu or whatever it was, maybe he was dyslexic.

The boat scene, running out of fuel, that could have been on purpose too. Planned. The crying could have been fake. She was only 16.

I think he is playing “dim”. But who am I to say that? I seem to have only questions these days, no answers.

And then the attorney read what he had written the day after the sentencing. That made it clear. Bryant was a manipulator. That doesn’t go with low IQ.

Twenty years later, and he still hasn’t shaken Bryant off.

(That’s what sadistic stalking does too.)

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Some of wildlife rescue outfits mainly or also serve to support someone’s lifestyle. I know this discussion only too well from the seabird rehabilitation world in Florida. Your donations may look like they go toward a noble purpose but in reality may help finance someone’s private swimming pool.

I’m thinking Ralph in Clearwater, but I am also thinking about whether you turn your facility into a tourist attraction or focus on only helping the animals you rescue.

We also need to start taking into account what we are doing to the planet as a whole and all the species on it when we blindly purchase items that we think we need within the context of wildlife rehab – but don’t.

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We’ve just had the 156th or whatever this year, in Maine, in which many were injured and 18 people killed.

We’ve just had another one. In Tampa, this time. Ybor City.

Yet the UK and the US and the Dutch and a few other governments are saying that it is okay to shoot everyone and everything to pieces “to defend oneself” because that is what they did when they refused to support the ceasefire in the Middle East. Can’t they see that?

There is no need to run to the shops, whether online or brick-and-mortar, every time we think we need something.

We are being told that we need things, that the more we buy the more we are worth, and that people who use what they already have and up-cycle and reuse and repair stuff are trash.

This just makes the likes of Jeff Bezos richer. It does not serve us in any way and it makes us parasites on the ecosystem, the planet.

When I moved into my current place, some stuff had been left behind by previous occupants. I was told to just throw it in the skip outside if I didn’t want it. I was shocked. (Okay, disappointed.)

I haven’t thrown out anything. I’ve been able to repurpose it all. The biggest and most expensive item I donated so that someone else wouldn’t have to spend a small fortune on purchasing it new. It was scooped up in no time.

We really need to start listening to the nature that we are all part of, not separate from. Most of the green-washing disgusts me. It’s just a marketing approach, essentially, and it serves to generate new consulting sectors for dealing with legislation and so on. What does it really accomplish if we don’t change our ways?

We are switching from a carbon-based world to a lithium-based world, without a thought for how the latter will affect us. There is very little true innovation.

Mines, mines, more mines, more open-cast mines! More transport of lithium and batteries over the world. No more oil tankers.Are we switching to lithium tankers now? (you know what I mean. We’re just shifting the problems, not resolving them.)

Granted, lithium-based transport reduces the noise level in the world. Electric engines are far quieter. So at least there’s that.

I have central air that even remains on when the glass sliding door to the balcony is wide open. The system was blowing a lot of fine dust and fibers into my place, until I purchased and applied filters. The filters also turned out to reduce the noise level substantially. I don’t complain, but I see the relative insanity of it. Maybe there is a purpose that still escapes me, but I doubt it.

I often seem to be gripped by the same despair that a lot of very young people have nowadays. When I was a teenager, the environment was a hot topic too, but we weren’t feeling desperate. We were determined. We all swore that we would never drive a car, my friends and I. I got my driving license at age 24, but I’ve only briefly owned a car when I needed to go to Sweden to fulfill a degree requirement. In some countries, not owing a car is far easier to do than in others, but it also depends on how you construct or (re)arrange your life.

Other than that, I too am far too wasteful. I am part of the plastic that ends up on a beach in Africa.

In the meantime, lots of people are savagely killing each other all over the world, savagely causing loads and loads of wasteful destruction.

I have no words for that.

I feel like an idiot. Powerless.

For every item I purchase, and every item I up-cycle or repair and reuse, and for any animal I rescue and rehab, and for anything else I want to accomplish, there is an army of bigger idiots waiting to destroy it.

The destruction of capital (resources) is one of the biggest forces in the world and the human drive to destroy seems unstoppable.

That’s because we don’t see it for what it is. It’s so hard to break free from this dogma that the creation and purchase of more stuff contributes anything to the world and to our wellbeing or even our safety. It rarely does.

I purchased a bunch of safety alarms at my previous place, but they got destroyed shortly after I started using them. So did my crockpot and the organic beans that I bought in bulk and used to cook in them.

I’m constantly being tempted to go buy a nice new pair of fleece pajamas because I am so indoctrinated by the idea that we need stuff, stuff and more stuff.

So far I have kept myself from doing that. Because I really don’t need it. I just think that I do because that is what I have been taught to believe.

A few years ago, I made a perfect standing desk from random stuff that others had thrown away, and packaging materials (which you’re also supposed to throw out). That just gets you mocked. You’re supposed to buy buy buy more stuff and more stuf and more stuff. Resist the urge, please. It’s so destructive.

At the moment, I’m pretty much sick of humans, frankly.

(Yeah, I am starting to see more and more where Julian Savulescu is coming from, but I wish that we wouldn’t need that cynicism and hopelessness.)

(By the way, I should add that some of my hopelessness comes from the Dutch National Science Foundation. The shortsightedness at the forefronts of the physical and natural sciences does not give me much hope either.) (I’m still chewing on this, I suppose.)

We need a completely new framework for living. For our lives.