A trauma bond is not something that develops after you’ve shared some traumatic life experiences with someone or have experienced a traumatic event with someone else.
A trauma bond comes about as the result of a pattern of confusing manipulative behaviours. It’s what you see in domestic abuse cases in which the victim keeps returning to the abuser.
I believe that its cause also lies behind Stockholm Syndrome.
It’s a protective mechanism that helps the body counter the physical effects of prolonged high levels of stress.
The deliberate creation of a trauma bond is also part of some stalking behaviours and points at the reason behind the stalking. That’s an opportunity for empathy and a possible way in for therapy. (Might neurofeedback help? Van der Kolk’s book.)
Stalking is a terrible topic to ponder because it makes – or should – people feel for the victims, but it cannot be solved without compassion for the perpetrators who are also victims, either in a way or literally.
I could probably talk for hours about trauma bonds. I won’t. I will say that it’s very hard to break free from and heal from and it’s something that most people won’t understand.
You end up plagued by feelings of guilt as if you’re betraying someone while you’re actually liberating your body and soul, fighting for your life. There usually simply is no middle ground, but you keep wondering if there might be.
Me, I tried to get a dialogue going repeatedly. The closest I’ve come was getting a video of a woman with gently waving angel wings at her computer, clearly being observed by someone. Sweet, eh?
If only that was all that’s happened…
RETURN RETURN RETURN.
That’s also happened, again pointing at a giant level of despair, the reason for the manipulative behaviours.
Or not!
There is (also?) a giant cognitive gap as far as I have been able to tell. Parallel universes. Neurodiversity.
He wants to care but he doesn’t know how. Words like “provider” confuse him. “Le petit prince” is magic.
But it’s as if you’re going through a meat shredder for the person who he desperately tries to but can’t keep locked up in a cage. It’s just not how it works.
The despair is almost palpable.
I have no answers. I receive no questions. I get mostly invisible demands and commands and very real bars and locks and constraints.
“Zero discrimination” over and over and over was a visible demand.
What does he mean?
(To me, it sounds like something incel-inspired.)
Breaking free from a trauma bond, however, includes getting away from everyone who didn’t support you but scorned you or mocked you. Without that, freedom will remain a pipe dream. You deserve better.
