Thank you!! I want my goddamn life back!!!

I’m not allowed to interact with anyone (but him/them) and I am not allowed to do anything that I enjoy. It can only be stupid dull crap that he approves off (such as translating books about dull topics or topics that he thinks will upset me and typing my ass off, so to speak, barely moving a muscle for weeks except the ones in my fingers, because hey, I speak Dutch), that gives him the opportunity to make me look like an idiot (by changing stuff when I am away from my computer for a minute) and that at the same time allows him to keep tabs on me.

My life’s been in the claws of whoever this is for nearly 15 years!!! I want my life back!!!

Years and years of asking people for work unpacking boxes in the back and stuff, so that I won’t be spotted and interfered with by this anonymous prick. (There’s little else, in Portsmouth, but that’s beside the point.) In places where you don’t have to worry about people adding urine to your coffee or whatever. Leaving stupid hand-written notes all over the place so that he won’t know about it and can’t interfere again. Years and years of begging, begging, begging. Because I needed FOOD!

I’m so tired of it.

Coercion is a cage.

I don’t know what happened in his life, but I’m tired of him imposing on me that I am not allowed to think for myself and not allowed to enjoy anything and all the rest of it.

I’ve had enough of the “you were a child sex abuse survivor” (“because you express empathy for victims of CSA”), “you don’t eat lots of pastries and lots of meat because you were sexually abused as a child”, the “you are not a scientist, you just told yourself you were going to save the world when you were little” (“yeah, because I liked pretty rocks and I thought that by looking at pretty rocks I might save the world?”), the “you have DID”, the “you are autistic”, the “you don’t like joy” (read my tentacles of clingfilm poem about how you took joy from my life), the “you look ugly, old and unkempt”, the “everybody’s abandoned you, I am all you have”, the “so and so surely does not want to talk with you” and all the rest, such as “they’re all thinking you have dementia”. (I’m fed up with it because it’s gotten really boring.)

He lacks empathy. I think it’s emotional empathy that he lacks, but I am not sure. Let’s explore this.

He cannot understand that for me to offer to do something that would be tedious for the other person does not mean that it would also be tedious for me. It might actually be highly enjoyable for me. I suspect that that is because he would only want to do things that are enjoyable for him, period. By that, I mean that if he likes watering flowers, he would do that for another person, but he would not take out the trash for another person – or clean the kitchen cabinets – because he would not enjoy that.

He does not understand that to clean out your own cabinets may be boring but to (help) clean out someone else’s cabinets can be highly enjoyable.

Or is it merely because he does not want me to interact with the party in question? Yes, indeed, that too. (Because he also does not want me to do what that party does, somewhere else.)

He wants to feed me this bullshit about me needing to believe that I am (somehow) broken.

Because he almost always stops me from doing – no, perhaps it’s actually about enjoying – things that I enjoy. No matter what it is.

Oh. It’s projection, all the negative-speak. It’s how he sees himself and his own situation. As broken and as people not liking him etc. Has to be.

(And he does not mind hurting and upsetting animals.)

He can’t help any of it, but he’s turned my life into a bloody coffin.

PS
After I started posting this, he hasn’t interfered with anything. Doesn’t mean he’s gone. He, they, whatever, whoever.