How adversity can turn your life around

Mathematics student Ginger Egberts is 26 when she’s just delivered her daughter, through a C-section. Her 2-year-old son is staying with her parents. Ten days after his sister’s arrival, he manages to pull a mug of hot soup off the kitchen counter and ends up with 11% burns on arms and chest.

Two years later, she finishes her Master’s, creates a LinkedIn profile and sees a PhD spot (which is properly paid full-time employment in the Netherlands) concerning the development of a mathematical model for the prediction of the healing of burns, leading to a decision-making tool for medical professionals. She applies and gets hired.

That was four years ago and she’s just wrapped up her PhD thesis. For her research, she’s cooperated with the surgeon who operates on her son.

She’s now put in a grant proposal to develop an app.

You can read the full story in the Dutch Financial Times: https://fd.nl/samenleving/1460812/tien-dagen-op-een-roze-wolk-en-dan-ineens-in-de-hel-lrl2caA3pTNZ

The new eugenics: Do you want your child to be unruly and arrogant or highly energetic and inquisitive? Do you want a boy or a girl?

Practices like these – promising parents a boy or a girl – can cause parents to abandon their baby in the country where they sought to circumvent English regulations if the baby is not exactly what they wanted.

They then reject the kids as if they are a handbag or a pair of shoes of the wrong color.

Practices like these can also lead to difficulties when the child ends up with a different nationality and the parents can’t get the baby across the border.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/dec/18/global-surrogacy-agency-accused-of-putting-women-at-risk-with-unethical-medical-procedures

I wrote about this in my book “We need to talk about this”.

Adopt, don’t shop.

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Kylian Mbappé keeps ties to his childhood neighborhood alive (in Dutch)

https://nos.nl/artikel/2456794-kylian-mbappe-is-rolmodel-in-de-banlieue-waar-hij-opgroeide

He plays the flute. Did you know that? The video below tells you ten more things that you possibly didn’t know yet about him.

Sparkling personality

His former music teacher Céline Bognini who interacted with him for several years recalls him as very energetic and enthusiastic as well as highly inquisitive. He wasn’t particularly good at reading notes and singing, but she’s kept a photo of 9-year-old Kylian, from before he started playing the flute. She only has good memories of him, she says and calls his personality sparkling. Now contrast that with what is being said about young Kylian in the above video.

The Catch-22 of narcissistic personality disorder #neurodiversity

The pivot point is always that people with NPD see themselves as deeply flawed, while all they actually are is human.

Nobody’s perfect. Or, we all are.

  • People with NPD want to be super human and want everyone to tell them that they are.
  • People with NPD see themselves as deeply flawed and want everyone to accept them the way they are.

See the Catch-22?

The crux is that you can’t get people with NPD to accept themselves the way they are and as soon as you show them to the world the way they are, they tend to feel deeply betrayed. They can’t accept that they’re actually perfectly fine (and that everything else follows from that).

How can they get to that point of self-acceptance? By changing the neurological pathways in their brain a little. Very gently, little by little.

So you’re flawed. So what? Being flawed is fine. It stops the world from becoming unbearably boring.

The second Catch-22 is that you somehow need to get it through to their subconscious. You can’t be (too) open about it.

I keep thinking about neurofeedback within this context.

Alternatively, maybe it is somehow possible to convey to them that they should see themselves as newborns. Nothing intrinsically good or bad about them, and in possession of plenty of potential, also for growth and for positive change.

Anything’s possible.

Britain’s society is “not as it should be”.

That’s what 74% of people said in an ONS survey conducted between 22 November and 4 December with 2,524 respondents.

Around 16% of people said that they were worried or very worried about their food running out and not having any money to buy more. That was already the reality for 6% of the respondents.

About 23% of those surveyed said that they were unable to keep comfortably warm at home. That’s a health risk. It also can have implications for cognitive functioning as when the temperature drops, the brain receives less blood.

PS A day later I spotted this:

Thank you for turning the country away from that dangerous slippery slope, Rishi Sunak

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/dec/14/sunak-rejects-tory-calls-to-ignore-human-rights-court-rulings-over-rwanda-deportations

In the past decade, subsequent governments have so often violated English law and even ignored rulings by English courts.

It’s refreshing to see something quite different for a change. Thanks, Rishi Sunak.

Once you start abandoning human rights principles, you set off a frightening cascade of abuse of human beings from all backgrounds, including white English people.

Nature is flawed

I’ve often said that we should learn more from nature and that nature does not waste anything. True. But you know what? Nature isn’t necessarily very efficient either.

Of course not. Humans are part of nature and humans are far from efficient. We all know that.

But I am actually thinking of a species that we have a lot in common with.

Just like us, they’re very intelligent. Just like us, they can learn to distinguish between the 26 letters of the western alphabet, between music composed by different classic composers and between paintings created by different painters.

Just like us, they need food and shelter and drinking water and affection and just like us, they are aware of pests and infections.

Unlike us, individuals of that species can accelerate much faster. Even having the fastest sports cars does not help us. (There is only one very recent Tesla that appears to be able to accelerate faster. Formula 1 cars accelerate slightly more slowly.)

They can also reach much higher speeds than the fastest human runners.

Unlike us – we have trouble recognizing individuals of the species – they recognize individual human faces. Unlike us, they can see across a huge distance, too.

Just like the female of the human species for 20 or 30 or 40 years of her life, the female of that species ovulates once a month.

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Want to support your gut flora? Your intestinal microbiome? Increase your vitamin K2 intake?

Well, besides Asian fermented options, sauerkraut – called “zuurkool” in Dutch – is good too. I grew up with the bagged version with a limited shelf life but you can also get sauerkraut in jars these days. (The version in the jars will likely taste slightly differently.)

In the Netherlands, it’s usually eaten with mashed potatoes and “rookworst”, preferably from HEMA (smoked sausage, typically Dutch). If you can’t get it from HEMA, then use the Unox brand.

My mother (who passed away in 1975) used to put leftover sauerkraut in a flat oven dish (gratin dish). She would cover it with mashed potatoes, flatten and smooth the mash surface, then use a knife to butter the surface, put “paneermeel” (bread crumbs) on top of that and a few dots of butter on the paneermeel.

I liked it much much better that way as it takes a bit of the tartness out of the sauerkraut no matter how healthy it is.

It’s already “gaar” so you only pop it into the oven to heat it and to make the breadcrumbs brown and crunchy.

Yum! Haven’t had this for decades.

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Cold snap

When I was living in Southampton (2005-2009), it cost me £200 a month just to keep one room reasonably heated in a cold snap like this.

I installed a curtain in a doorway and did all sorts of things to the windows. I also discovered a massive mold problem in the coldest room one day, with the condensation water literally streaming down the wall behind a book case.

I tended to become sleepy in all sorts of places because they were so much warmer.

(In Amsterdam, I paid around 300 euro a month in cold weather, but I was striving for Floridian temperatures at the time. I was very bad for the planet back then.)

Tens of thousands of people have been dying in England for years already, each winter, because of their inability to keep their homes heated. Far more than in countries with cold climates.

To suggest that this would be a new phenomenon is incorrect.

England has a structural inequality problem and the last political party to start remedying this is the Conservative Party. They won’t.

It’s easy for well-to-do men to tell women in poverty to lower the heating. Their blood vessels don’t shut down in their extremities, unlike women’s, and well-nourished people can bear cold better.

But still, lowering the temperature in your home lowers blood flow to the brain, too, and can make you function less well.

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The double empathy problem

Yes, if autistic people were in the majority, neurotypical people would be described or perceived as lacking in empathy. Once you realize that, you see that it works both ways.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy

It’s quite similar to what I am experiencing with regards to the people in the island town that I am in. They think I am nuts or wrong; I think they’re nuts or wrong. We’re used to a very different way of being and way of experiencing the world. It’s teaching me more about what life must be like for autistic people.

I’ve argued before that cultural differences are a form of neurodiversity. If you disagree, then you may want to consider things like that which language your speak can determine how you experience time.

White versus Black?

I’m not black, but I too am very pleased with Harry and Meghan calling things as they are and not sugarcoating them. I have gotten tears in my eyes a few times when reading about various things Meghan’s experienced here.

The affinity I feel with Meghan strikes me as ridiculous because at first sight you’d think that we have very little in common other than that we are both women from overseas. Maybe that alone says it all.

The way Harry and Meghan speak out about things that go on here was long overdue. I am very grateful they had the guts to do this. It’s not just the Royal Family this is about and we all know it.

So I’d been pretty disgusted and disappointed with some of the responses that I’d seen so far. I’m pleased to see some have the guts to call those responses out too.

Click on image to access Nels Abbey’s article

Next day: https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/commentisfree/2022/dec/10/meghan-and-harrys-documentary-has-hit-the-raw-nerve-of-tabloid-prejudice

Autism care and autism research

I just caught up on an online seminar that I had missed earlier this week.

As my “keeper” (see the “tamagotchi” page) may be autistic and I discovered, in the course of trying to find out what the hell I am dealing with here in Portsmouth, that I’d known an autistic woman in Amsterdam for decades (which she’s confirmed), I am trying to learn more about autism.

Here are some resources that I just heard mentioned (by Leon Brenner) and that may be useful to you. I haven’t looked at them myself yet.

Watch this.

À ciel ouvert, a film by Mariana Otero and Anne Paschetta (2013). On the Franco-Belgian border, there’s a unique place that takes in children with mental and social problems. Day after day, the adults try to understand the enigma that each one of them represents and, without ever imposing anything on them, invent the solutions that will help them to live in peace, case by case. Through their stories, ‘Like an Open Sky’ reveals their singular vision of the world to us. This is the trailer.

Books by Donna Williams:

Book by Bruno Bettelheim:

Books by Temple Grandin:

Possible domestic abuse situation in flat under mine (new tenants)

12 December 2022: That woman seems to be gone now…? I haven’t heard her voice for a few days, that is. (I think I ran into her a little later after I typed that. If so, then she is fine and she smiled at me.)

10 Dec 2022: I’m leaving this post online to cover my ass because it seems a little odd that the response to “stop verbally abusing your wife” is “my wife is pregnant”, on second thought.

(The guy came out of his flat when he heard me vacuuming the staircase. The only thing I said to him was “stop shouting at your wife”, repeatedly. If his wife is pregnant, then that is no excuse for shouting at her.)

There is been a lot of really bizarre stuff during my years here in Portsmouth and it would not surprise me to hear that next, I am being accused of doing god knows what to some woman who’s pregnant, regardless of whether I even knew that.

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Is your phone hacked?

Eh, more likely than not, these days. Anywhere you leave your phone number, there will be folks who’ll try hacking into people’s phones out of mere boredom. For fun. Or to store files on that they don’t want others to see. Hacking is a largely risk-free crime. Unless you hack into the Pentagon or steal really large sums of money, it doesn’t matter what you do, in practice, because it is such a hard crime to investigate and tackle.

Norton says the following. 

(Italics = my words)

If your phone is displaying one of the following unusual behaviors, and especially if it’s displaying more than one, there’s a good chance that it may be hacked. 

1. Strange or inappropriate pop-ups:

One apparent sign of a hacked phone is nonstop pop-ups. Bright, flashing ads or X-rated content popping up on  your phone is a big indicator that your phone has been compromised. (Note: They can also be innocent-looking.)  

2. Texts or calls not made by you

As the owner of your device, you likely remember every time you use your phone throughout the day. So, if you  notice texts or calls from your phone that you didn’t make, you may have had your phone hacked.   

3. Higher than normal data usage

There are many reasons for high data usage (for example, increased use of a new app). But if your phone behavior  has stayed the same and your data usage has skyrocketed, it’s time to investigate.  

4. Apps you don’t recognize on your phone

Keep in mind that new phones often come with pre-downloaded apps. But if you notice new apps popping up  once you already own the phone, there may be malware involved.  (Note: This is almost impossible to check on Androids nowadays because Google installs so much crap.)

5. Battery draining quickly

Phone batteries aren’t meant to last forever, but they’re also designed efficiently. So, if your phone use habits have  remained the same, but your battery is draining more quickly than normal, hacking may be to blame. (This tends to include that the phone gets HOT.) 

Reset your phone

The majority (=not all!) of malware can be removed with a factory reset of your phone. This will, however, wipe any data  stored on your device, such as photos, notes, and contacts, so it’s important to back up this data before resetting  your device. Follow the instructions below to reset your iPhone or Android.  

Instructions for resetting an iPhone

  1. If you have a Mac with macOS Catalina 10.15, open Finder. Otherwise, open iTunes. 
  2. Connect your iPhone to your computer. 
  3. Select your device on your computer. 
  4. Select “Restore iPhone.” 

For more detailed instructions, visit Apple support. 

Instructions for resetting an Android phone

  1. Android reset instructions vary by manufacturer. You should visit your phone manufacturer’s website for specific instructions. 
  2. For most Android phones, you can access the reset option via your Settings menu, or by holding down the  power and volume buttons.  

For more detailed instructions, visit Google support. 

Change your passwords

It’s possible that your login credentials were compromised when your phone was hacked. Once you’ve removed  the malware, reset all of your passwords and create unique passwords for each account. (Tip: write them down on index cards if you find it hard to have many different passwords. My locks get picked all the time, but yours likely are not so your index cards should be safe.) 

Does resetting your phone get rid of viruses? 

Yes, a factory reset is one way to potentially remove a virus from an infected mobile device. 

Why do hackers hack your phone? 

Hackers compromise smartphones to access the personal information stored on each device, oftentimes  exploiting and/or selling what they get their hands on. (Note: They can also do this for fun, out of boredom, in the hope to find compromising or silly photos or videos, just for a laugh, or to mess with you.)

Does turning off your phone stop hackers? 

Yes, turning off your phone can stop hackers, as most cyberattacks targeting cell phones require the device to be  turned on. (Note: Your phone can still be detected though, if the battery is still in it, even if there is no SIM card in it.)

Can hackers hear you? 

Yes, hackers may be able to hear you if they’ve gained access to your phone’s camera and microphone. (Note: This is probably often the first thing that they do.) 

Does airplane mode block hackers? 

Turning on airplane mode can temporarily block hackers while the device is not connected to Wi-Fi or a cellular network.

What can a hacker do with your phone number? 

Hackers often compromise phone numbers in order to: 

  • Verify 2FA requests 
  • Send malicious links 
  • Complete vishing attacks
  • Clone your phone
  • Redirect outgoing calls and texts (possibly also as part of vishing)
  • Block access to the nearest cell phone tower to force you to go somewhere else (this may be called “jamming” – it’s happened to me here in Portsmouth)
  • Spy on you (exes, stalkers, jealous partners, parents)
  • Record your voice (to use in voice-cloning)
  • Look at your contacts (and your communications) so that they can contact them (text, e-mail, voice-cloning), pretend to be you and for example ask for money (or high-jack e-mail conversations with suppliers or clients)
  • Steal video or image files (for revenge porn or deepfakes)

Can someone hack your phone and turn on your camera? 

Yes, cybercriminals can hack phones to gain access to their cameras. (Note: This is probably often the first thing that they do.) 

https://us.norton.com/blog/malware/is-my-phone-hacked#

Countering negativity

Yesterday, I hung out near the entrance of the local Job Centre for a while. I had a bag with goodies ready to hand out, including a warm “thermal” cotton turtleneck. It was quiet, though, and I ended up taking the bag home again.

There was one person who I probably should have given it to, but she was walking fast and it takes a minute to assess whether a person might really like to have some goodies.

She had a see-through supermarket bag with only two or three items, and was likely a foreign student or a student from an English ethnic minority. She walked past me. The pullover would have fitted her, too.

(I only saw one person come out of the Job Centre and he looked upbeat and fine.)

12 December: Went out again. Asked one woman at a bus stop, maybe a little older than me, who said that she was fine and told me to give it to someone else, but she liked the idea. Asked another woman who I passed on the sidewalk, a lot younger, who was very happy with it. I had put the most boring thing on top. Still, I like them and they’re very healthy. Oat cakes.

There is little that cheers you up as much as that, just handing out some goodies to a random stranger. Had to be female and had to be about my size and not seem filthy rich. That was all. (The turtleneck likely wouldn’t fit a male and women tend to feel colder anyway.)


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Is this what crappy local leadership looks like?

Is he aware of these issues? Has he quietly discussed them with these folks?

(Yeah, okay, it’s a difficult balancing act in a place where just about everyone hates just about everyone else. In practice, you may have to cater to lots of small sections of the local demographic, hoping to cater to everyone that way.)

I’ve been told by the folks at Hale Court that they overcharge people who use their services and that the level of the courses they provide sucks by nurse Ruth Mbvundula, who was in her 60s but found a better course at The Learning Place; I helped her with a laptop when she was living in Stamshaw Road and this was possible because she was not English so, unlike English people, she did not think that I was after sex, marriage or another kind of romantic relationship when I offered to help. I also happen to know that they only seem to want to cater to white English people or maybe “Pompey born and bred” people.

In the past, this organization has been in the news because of the exorbitant salaries of its management. I don’t know if that is still the case.

I’m in my sixties too now, but I can’t get any support from them. I no longer want their help. (Someone else in Portsmouth – one of the pleasant, capable and decent public library employees, so someone who isn’t sadistic and hateful – told me to seek their help some time ago. I think I had asked her if she was being pestered too merely because she is no longer under 45. I sometimes ask random people such questions to get a handle on what is going on this town.)

I was looking for something else, when this popped up in my view for some reason (not the hacker’s doing).